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1/22/2021 2:15:44 PM
5

A Shadowed Story

Morning! Shadow, you know you've made it when other people are writing about your stuff. Hope you like. Shadow smiled as she walked the paths, remembering Variks' sweet proposal. He had finally done it, after four years of uncertainty, apprehension and doubt, he had finally proposed. Granted, it wasn’t how the Awoken would’ve done it, but she didn’t care. She was going to be his queen. Someone cleared their throat nearby, and it was dark enough that the sound made Shadow tense. She stopped walking, and gripped the hilt of her Steady Hand. She eyed the shadows, looking for targets, something that was usually easier for her to do. But tonight, the shadows molded to fit a particular form, a specific figure. “Cor.” The name was like acid on Shadow's tongue. She wanted to spit. “Ding ding ding,” the figure replied. The shadows peeled away to reveal a man leaning, arms crossed against the stone wall. He watched her with a firm expression. “And how are you this fine evening?” “Better than you’re going to be if you don’t leave,” Shadow replied, drawing her hand cannon faster than thought. Its barrel stared Cor in the face. He was unmoved. “Come now,” he chided. “Is that any way to treat your—” Shadow fired. The bullet flew for one second flat before ice rose from the ground and froze the slug midair. Neither of them moved. Eventually the ice fell and the bullet with it, clanking against the ground. “Stasis?” Shadow breathed. She scoffed after a moment. “I should’ve figured.” Cor inspected a fingernail meticulously. “Darkness is all the rage these days. Your…friend would know about that, wouldn’t he?” He raised an eyebrow. “Variks, I think is his name? You two close?” Were they close? Shadow laughed. “More than you think. I’m going to be his queen.” Now Cor laughed, loudly. “That’s a hoot! Best one I’ve heard in a long time. But then…you never joked around me.” He flicked his wrist at her and stasis crystals wrapped around her legs, holding her still. The ice climbed up to her chest, but stopped at her chin. She reached for her blades, but all warmth was gone. “Now you listen close,” Cor whispered in her ear. “If I catch you anywhere near that…dreg, so help the Traveler I will put a bullet through his head before your eyes, then I’ll put one in yours. The Traveler denied them, and so should we.” “You denied the Traveler,” Shadow gasped. “You chose Darkness. I have denied you. There is no light left in you or your Ghost, Cor.” He smiled, that wicked, dark smile Shadow remembered so well. He gave a low chuckle and backed away. “Just following the family tradition.” He pulled his hand inward and the shadows started to wrap around him again. “Don’t get rezzed…sis. Hate to be the one to kill your Ghost.” Shadow screamed, and let her light explode. She had never been so grateful for her blades in her life. The ice around her exploded with flame and she threw knives at Cor, but he was already gone. She screamed again and fired her gun at the wall. Her Ghost appeared at her side. “Was that…” “Yes.” Shadow nodded and looked at him. “Should I contact Variks?” “No. Contact…Eris.” “But isn’t she…” “She’ll understand. I hope. Just tell her that Cor is back. My…brother is alive. And a user of Stasis.” Will there be a part 2? Maybe. Also, would anyone from the lore community have tips on writing fiction? Trying to write more. Thanks! -Snakehide
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  • Bro Cor sounds like the kinda guy you meet in an lfg who comes off as a jerk but at the end you all get cool loot and are absolutely friends, only to forget each other’s gamertags and never meet again. Until a year later, where you lfg together again. And the loop continues.

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    • [quote]Shadow, you know you've made it when other people are writing about your stuff. Hope you like. [/quote] I [i]love[/i]! Omg this is crazy! You know what’s really funny is Shadow actually did have a half brother that she didn’t get along with in her first life, but I don’t believe I ever mentioned it! This is so creative, I can’t wait to see what you do with this!!!!!!

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      • Wait...Shadow’s a girl?

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        • Edited by Grays_KS27: 1/22/2021 4:42:55 PM
          [quote]Shadow, you know you've made it when other people are writing about your stuff.[/quote]Oh, my friend, you don’t know the half of it. I’ll be happy to give you some tips. And I’m familiar with the Destiny of Shadow so I can probably provide some useful insights. Though I’m not ShadowwheartMC herself, and she could obviously provide better feedback from her story. [quote]Granted, it wasn’t how the Awoken would’ve done it, but she didn’t care.[/quote]Shadow doesn’t know Awoken traditions. She’s a Guardian, after all. She has no memory of her Awoken life (and furthermore might have been an Earthborn) and as a Guardian didn’t spend any time among the Awoken society because they don’t let outsiders in. [quote]Someone cleared their throat nearby, and it was dark enough that the sound made Shadow tense. [/quote]A question: where is this happening? It would definitely be good to have a location in mind, even if you don’t say it outright in the story. Normally Shadow would be inside House Judgement’s Ketch, but in this context that’s a bad choice. Ketches are pretty well lit and there’d be no risk of enemies entering unnoticed so she wouldn’t be tense. [quote]She stopped walking, and gripped the hilt of her Steady Hand.[/quote]In my opinion this is a bad choice of weaponry for Shadow. She’s always sucked at the Crucible and avoided it. Iron Banner weapons wouldn’t be her cup of tea or something she’s likely to have. You could ask Shadowheart about it, she might be able to suggest a weapon. Or you could be generic and just say “the hilt of her hand cannon.” [quote]Shadow fired. The bullet flew for one second flat[/quote]I’m gonna be really picky here, lol. Like, super picky about the exact phrasing of “for one second flat.” How close was Shadow to Cor? A bullet moves very fast, and in an entire second it could travel a vast distance. I recommend saying “a fraction of a second” instead. This also brings up the issue of the ice rising up from the ground to catch the slug. Space magic or not, that reaction time and the time for the ice to form all the way up from the floor would have been absurd. Having said that, it was a good way to reveal the Stasis powers so maybe don’t change how he stops the bullet. Just try to remember to avoid actions that could be too ridiculous. [quote]She reached for her blades, but all warmth was gone.[/quote]Maybe rework this sentence. This makes it sound like merely being cold is stopping her from reaching her shock blades, rather than the fact that her body is encased in ice. Or have I misunderstood? Is she reaching for her shock blades or trying to use Blade Barrage? [quote]My…brother is alive.[/quote]Okay, this could be a problem. Guardians don’t have memories of their past life, so they’d have had to meet and gotten to know each other after being revived. And also somehow discovered they were siblings. You can leave that all a mystery, but it might be good to have an idea of their history in mind that works with Destiny’s world. To avoid any issues. All of your writing was excellent. It was all very well-written. Well done. All my corrections are on [i]really[/i] intense, deep and detailed aspects so don’t stress about them.

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          • I have conflicting emotions on this work....

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