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originally posted in:CentauriAlpha Fan Fiction
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Edited by MCPrezIndustries:
4/14/2015 11:57:07 AM
6
Guardian Chronicles Chapter 2 part 2
"Daddy, can you read me a story?" asked a child."Sure darling" replied the father. The father picked up the book from the shelf. He opened it up to the first page." Daddy, what's the book about?" asked the child." This story is about a trio of heroes who who shall help their universe go back to peace. The men were legends who were lead by a bigger legend, who was a part of a society of guardians." Said the Father." What was the leader's name daddy?" Asked the child.The father replied, "His name was... Stryker".
The Fallen kell was tall and slim, slim for a fallen, that is. It was grey and black with fallen skulls around its waist. Stryker was behind a broken cement chunk from the tower. Cocking his handcannon he unloading 5 rounds at the fallen. 3 of them missed, 1 hit its head, the other impacted its body. Both were incinerated by a void shield.
Lord Shaxx ran from from behind a vault pillar with a red auto rifle in his hands. He the sprinted towards Stryker while shooting the fire arm at the grey fallen. Shaxx took refuge next to Stryker."We are not able to get through that things shield!" screeched Shaxx to the hunter."I noticed, damn it! Do you think a fusion rifle would do it?" replied Stryker." A giant one probably. This will be the greatest battle since the Twilight Gap!" Said Shaxx.
"Let's hope it's not the last!" said Stryker. Stryker put his finger on his comm to contact Gahhan, though only static was heard."Damn, I can't get through to Gahhan!" Said Stryker. He then sent a message to his Exo friend and fire team member."Largos, use fusion rifles to destroy the Kell's shield!" Stryker continued over the comlink."I Tried that already!" replied Largos. Just milliseconds later, a Captain came charging at Largos.The exo titan spent no time diving behind it, initiating a Nelson lock, and snapping its neck, causing ether to flow out of its neck as if it was mist.
A guardian ship took off from the hangar, and took a right. The kell looked behind him to find a man on the side of the aircraft with a mounted machine gun. The man shot over 100 rounds at his enemy. All the shots either killed 13 dregs, a couple vandals, make a couple holes in a servitor, and the ones that didn't miss hit the Kell's shield, an then incinerated. The aircraft did a counter clockwise 90 degree angle, and shot a missile. The explosion barely made a dent in the wall that is the Kell's shield. The fallen soldier picked up a piece of debris, and hurled it at the ship. The ship was hit with the chunk of the tower, and fell to Earth, the man on top fell off in the process.
"Damn it" thought Stryker."Shaxx, do you still have the Max Grenades?" Stryker asked Shaxx urgently. A Max Grenade was an explosive airborne black residue that attacked the particles in the air, causing them to explode."Yes, but only it's the only one left in the entire city! And it's only for dire situations!" replied Shaxx in a firm voice."Well this a pretty "dire" situation!" said the angry hunter. The 2 guardians look over the rock they were taking shelter behind to find the kell firing it's shrapnel launcher at a hunter. Stryker recognized the guardian, who's name was Alan Console. The kell fired several rounds at Console's body, all missed, except one hit the oil canister behind him, which then exploded, that sent him far. The guardian was badly hurt, but still alive.
Stryker looked back to see a light blue mist on Shaxx's hand. A second later, a black and red and small hexagonal prism was in Shaxx's hand. Stryker snatched the grenade from Shaxx and chucked it at the fallen soldier, who looked down upon it. A small black sphere appeared from the sides of the Max Grenade canister, which then created a huge explosion, that sent the Kell flying if the tower. What was left of it.
Like for part 3!
Chapter 1-https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/113105535/0/0
Chapter 2 part 1-https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/113540777/0/0
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1 ReplyOk, as I said earlier, your story is solid, but it needs some touching up. When you have two characters speaking, it'll make it much easier for the reader to follow if you add a line break. For instance, instead of the dialogue being in the same paragraph as your narrative, you would add a break... "And start down here"... It's easier to follow and it looks a lot cleaner. Also, try not to use too many, Stryker said, Shaxx said, he said, etc., unless not using them would lead to confusion, but depending on the dialogue, the reader should be able to figure it out. Always keep punctuation marks inside of the quotations. Just watch when using commas inside of the quotation marks. When a character's dialogue is followed by, he said, she said, you must not use a period. Instead, use a comma to show that when they are done talking, what follows next in the sentence is still apart of the character. "This will help stop the bleeding," Shaxx spoke softly. "You're going to be just fine, Stryker." "Thanks, Shaxx. I knew I could count on you." Watch your comma usage as well. I seen a line, "...he was slim, slim for a fallen, that is." You don't need the comma after, 'fallen' because it is essential information. If you had just said, he was slim, we wouldn't know who he is as slim as without you telling us. Therefore, it should read: "...he was slim, slim for a fallen that is." One last thing, the possessive plural of who, is whose. Never use an apostrophe to make a noun or pronoun plural. "...Stryker recognized the guardian, who's name was Alan Console." Whose is showing that his name belongs to him. Who's is another way of saying, who is or who has. Ok, I'm done picking now. Keep it going, you just need to watch a few areas.
