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originally posted in:Collective of Fanfiction
Edited by Dblackdragon14:
6/6/2015 11:13:43 AM
4
A Lone Wolf
Feel free to give me constructive criticism.
[url=https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/99812953/0/0]Chapter 1[/url]
[url=https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/100395643/0/0/1]Chapter 2[/url]
[url=https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/100701717/0/0]Chapter 3[/url]
[url=https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/100982039/0/0]Chapter 4[/url]
[url=https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/102027750]Chapter 5[/url]
[url=https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/127776786/0/0]Chapter 6[/url]
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Edited by AnonPig: 2/14/2015 5:05:16 PM[quote]Feel free to give me constructive criticism. [url=https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/99812953/0/0]Chapter 1[/url] [url=https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/100395643/0/0/1]Chapter 2[/url] [url=https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/100701717/0/0]Chapter 3[/url][/quote] I feel like I should get credit :p
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[quote]Feel free to give me constructive criticism. [url=https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/99812953/0/0]Chapter 1[/url] [url=https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/100395643/0/0/1] Chapter two[/url][/quote] There ya go ;)
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6 RepliesI like it, the only things I don't like about it is the disconnect with characters by giving them animal names. I just can't feel the alien races give two shits about your name, you know? It just makes them feel distant to me like they're not who they claim to be. And while I understand it because it's the first chapter it feels a little rushed. Introducing the main cast like bear and tiger is important to be done soon, but just giving them names doesn't make them solid you know? Again this is only the first so there's still tons of room for the development to take place. Overall, I'm excited for the next chapter. I personally like to exist in the world of destiny and not break the borders, only push them, but this is intriguing. There is definitely room for a new unknown race, and I'm eager to learn more about them.
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I'm not going to water down my comments or hold anything back, just so you know. I'm going to give you, from my point of view, constructive criticism. I sent you a private message, for it would be easier, but just to get the ball rolling a bit, your first chapter feels a bit rushed and unfinished. Try focusing a bit more on the Mars mission that they just got back from. That's always a good way to catch the reader's eye. [i]Mars is a desolate wasteland of misery. As I sit on the cool, green, plush grass in the safety and security of the Tower courtyard, I am reminded just how lucky I am to be alive. My team and I barely survived, it was a struggle that found us outnumbered, outgunned, and overrun at every conceivable turn.[/i] Something like that would be a good hook to get the reader interested. Touch on the battle on Mars a bit, rather than just stating the enemies that were taken down, dip into a firefight. It doesn't even have to be long, just a little flashback from Jack's perspective. Something to wet the destructive tastes of the reader, not giving him much, but just enough to keep him coming back for more.
