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originally posted in:Destiny Fiction Producers
Edited by KoriksFlameKell: 6/4/2018 3:11:56 PM
3

A Spark of Glory - Chapter One

[i][b]This story is as long as I could make it to compensate for not posting in about a week. I also understand that Skoriks is one letter away from Koriks' name, I actually didn't realize this. But hey, Draksis and Aksis are like that![/b][/i] [i]I decided to translate the Eliksni's clicks and hisses into English for easier reading.[/i] A lone vandal walked through the surface of a lush planet, full of beautiful forests and great plains. As he walked, he saw a massive spaceship looming above the planet, but the Great Machine was gone. He ran to his small town and alerted the others, along with the servitors. They all gathered their essentials and met at the vandal's home to escape in a skiff, assigned to him by the government in case of an event similar to this. One of the eliksni clicked, "Koriks, what will we do after we escape?" Koriks replied with, "Hush, Rajiks. I will discuss that soon, after I have decided." As they boarded the Skiff, Koriks made sure everyone was present. A few people were missing, so he went and retrieved them. After he made sure everyone was there, and that everyone had all their essentials, he turned on the skiff, and they flew away from the planet and joined a group of skiffs following a Ketch. He saw that the other Eliksni were broadcasting a signal, saying that the House of Stone's kell, Chelchis, had stayed behind to fight the threat. Koriks sighed and said, "Let's hope the Great Machine is alright, and that Chelchis lives." He sent a signal to make sure that the other skiffs from other towns knew that theirs had survived. Most of the others had survived, however a good amount of towns also did not make it. Koriks said, "I must make a plan for the future." He let one of the Servitors pilot the skiff, and grabbed his personal data pad. He wrote down ideas for what could happen now, including: 1. They join another house and become part of it. 2. They make their own house. 3. They become outcasts and join a group of exiled Fallen. 4. Other aliens kill them. The list doesn't have many other possibilities besides that, since there weren't that many outcomes. Otherwise, he decided that they should make their own house. He sighed, as he record this day in his journal, another file stored on the data pad, then got up and said, "It's time to tell them the plans for our future." He walked into the back, and all the Eliksni looked at him. "Now that we are safe, I will tell you what we will do once we've gotten to a safe place," Koriks hissed. They dropped the chatter and went silent. He explained, "Once we find a planet, we will use a transmitter that I found to alert nearby Eliksni of our location. They will hopefully come, and we can create a place for the Eliksni to rebuild. Without the Great Machine's light, it will be hard. But we will survive. Even through all uprisings and other hardships. And we will find the Great Machine, bringing us back to our glory! FOR THE ELIKSNI!" "FOR THE ELIKSNI!" the other eliksni cheered. This was not just the mere start of a plan for the Eliksni's future. No, it was much more than that. It was the start of the House of Flame. And a new era for the Eliksni that would join it.

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  • ENORMOUS BUMP I like the story, can't wait for chapter three. Actually I can, I'm patient :)

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  • Wow, you're starting off really far back. I don't know if there's any Fallen that old. Not that that's a bad thing, far from it. I think this is going to make Flame all that more interesting to have such a pillar of history as its Kell. Looking forward to the rest!

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    • A fascinating prospect indeed. You are doing something truly unique by telling a story about the fall of the Eliksni, and the rise of a new house. I have a few suggestions for you to consider. First, the Fallen are well known for being fragmented into houses that usually don't get along after the fall of their world. You could capitalize on that fact by introducing tensions between known houses and your new house. It would make for some interesting conflict. Second, I do not think the use of parentheses is necessary since your audience is already familiar with basic Destiny lore and removing them would make the story flow better. Third, I will advise once again to go more in depth. I can clearly see your improvement and the difference between this chapter and your very first is night and day. What I really want you to focus on now is telling a captivating story. Make us really care about Koriks. Make us feel what he is feeling. Help us to see what he sees. Practice this and the overall quality of your writing will only get better. Keep it up! Bump!

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