JavaScript is required to use Bungie.net

Group Avatar

Destiny Fiction Producers

"Writing stories, making legends"

Request Join
  • Mission Statement

    We are here so you a**holes can shut up about Destiny not having a story. We are actually a friendly community writing stories and sharing ideas. We hope you are friendly in return, and that you respect our ideas as we will respect yours. If you do not agree to our terms, we will have Doc perform medical operations on you. Have a nice day.

  • Membership

    148 Members
    Total number of users that have joined this group
    8 Years as a Group
    Total number of years this group has been active
  • Admins

  • Tagged

originally posted in:Destiny Fiction Producers
Edited by KoriksFlameKell: 6/30/2017 4:21:39 PM
3

Reincarnations - Ch. 2

[i][b]This chapter is long to compensate for the smaller prologue and Ch. One.[/b][/i] The exo turned to face me. What I saw was terrifying. It's metal was horribly scarred, oil was pouring from it, one of it's eyes had no light, and the other eye was dimmed. I recoiled and barely managed to say, "You... You need help right away!" It looked away and said, "Let me die. There's no way I'll survive. The oil will all pour out, since I need it." I could tell from his voice he was a male exo. I had to repair him somehow. Luckily, I was made for assistance and was also trained to repair other exos. I said, "No. I won't LET you. I'm Ventharok, designation code V-343, and I was created for assistance, and that includes helping other exos." He sighed and said, "I guess we can try. I'm not sure if we'll find a place to repair me, but it beats sitting here. Let's go." He needed help to stand, so I braced him and we walked through the mix of destroyed houses, skyscrapers, cars, and other things while seaching for a place that would allow me to repair him. It was odd. It was as if everyone died, except us two. Skeletons littered sidewalks and rusty cars, along with remnants of tools, handbags, and other small objects. Most of the lamp posts and street lights were broken or destroyed. I didn't even hear rats. Just... Silence. It was truly the apocalypse. Soon, we came across a car repair shop. The exo found and cleared off a large table, then sat on it. I was able to repair the oil leak and some of the metal cracks with tools and scrap metal I scavanged from inside the building. As I repaired him, he talked about himself. "I should talk about myself. My name is Axon, designation code A-523, and I was created as a military exo. When... whatever it was... hit, I was severely damaged by falling rubble from a skyscraper. I wasn't able to tell until I woke up. I knew I wouldn't be able to live in a state like that. So I sat there, waiting to turn off and die. Then... you came along," he explained. I let that sink in for a moment. Axon had went through the same thing as me. Minus the damage. "You know, I went through the same thing, Axon. Without the damage. I turned off when that mysterious thing hit for a long time. I think it was around two months. Ah, that reminds me..." I took out the pistol and said, "Is this yours? I found it in the rubble of a building near you." His eyes widened. "Yes, it is. It saw me through many hard times. I think you should keep it," he said. My eyes brightened, and I kindly said, "Thank you. I'm sure it will see me through many hard times, as well." I finished up the repairs, so he got up and said, "Well, off we go looking for shelter, then the Traveler. It's getting dark, so we must go." We ventured off through the ruins of Chicago (now known as Old Chicago), looking for a safe haven until we reached the Traveler. As we walked through the apocalyptic city, we noticed that the Willis Tower was still standing, but parts of it had much damage. I remarked, "That's amazing. I guess even evil things decide to keep famous things standing." "Haha, agreed," Axon said We entered a building to stop for a bit. Axon was the first to notice the clicking. "Do you hear that, Ventharok?" he whispered. I replied, "Hear what?" "The clicking," he said. I didn't say anything so I could hear it. I eventually did. I whispered, "Yes, now I hear it. It's coming from deeper inside. I'll go investigate. Stay here, Axon." I went towards the clicking, pistol in hand, and when I came to the room where it was coming from, I peeked through the doors. I saw a tall, four-armed, two-legged creature talking with two other creatures that had two arms and two legs, but the shape wasn't human. One of the two-armed creatures happened to turn to the door and saw me. It alerted the other creatures and ran towards me. I raised my gun and ran to Axon. "Axon, we've got to go!" I yelled. "What did the noise come from?" he yelled back. "Tell you in a moment!" I shouted. When we got to a safe distance, I told him, "We were shut off for longer than we thought. Aliens have invaded."

Posting in language:

 

Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

  • Great job! Your writing is already light years better! Always strive to keep improving. Now, I'm not just going to leave you with nothing. Last time I told you to be more descriptive, and you certainly did that. Now I want you to focus on dialogue context and expanding your vocabulary. For dialogue context, I noticed that you repeated things a few times. The character would think something and then say it again in dialogue word for word. While that might make sense to the [i]character[/i], it doesn't make sense to the reader. Try to avoid repetition as much as possible. As for expanding vocabulary, that's pretty self explanatory. To avoid being bland and repetition, which I have already addressed, it will serve you well to use more creative and complex words. If you struggle with that, it's ok. Knowledge comes with practice and a thesaurus is your best friend. Keep it up! I'll be checking in every single once in a while to see how you're doing.

    Posting in language:

     

    Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

  • Amazing chapter! You did a fantastic job focusing on improving your writing. Keep it up and always aim higher; you are your own rival, and you must always aim to outdo yourself

    Posting in language:

     

    Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

  • Edited by Fort_Max_Station: 6/30/2017 6:05:27 PM
    Cool. Like the longer posts. First bump!

    Posting in language:

     

    Play nice. Take a minute to review our Code of Conduct before submitting your post. Cancel Edit Create Fireteam Post

You are not allowed to view this content.
;
preload icon
preload icon
preload icon