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originally posted in:Destiny Fiction Producers
Edited by KoriksFlameKell:
6/30/2017 4:04:50 PM
3
Reincarnations - Ch. 1
[i]For all of you wondering, this version of Ventharok is an exo that was in a building in Old Chicago when the collapse hit. The building crumbled, and he miraculously lived. He couldn't turn on for about four months after the collapse.[/i]
[b]OLD CHICAGO, ROUGHLY FOUR MONTHS AFTER COLLAPSE[/b]
I turned on while I was on under the rubble of a collapsed building. My head hurt, the metal on me was cracked, oil was dripping from my arm, and I couldn't remember what happened.
"I need to get out of here, and I have to get to safety," I said.
I stood up and pushed away some wreckage, then went outside, arm clutched by my other arm. I looked around, but there was nobody. Most of the buildings were either collapsed or in a state beyond repair.
"Is anyone out there?" I yelled.
No response.
I started walking through the rubble, hoping to find another person. I would occasionally try to call out to any other people that were wandering in this area. I didn't find anyone for a while, but I picked up a handgun and about 20 bullets in some rubble. I patched the oil leak, too. Eventually, I came across someone sitting alone. He appeared to be in the same situation as me. I could tell he was also Exo by the lights coming from him.
I asked, "Are... you okay?"
He turned to face me, and what I saw was absolutely terrifying.
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To build off of what Fox was saying, it definitely could have been longer and more fleshed out. In fact you could easily stretch out these events into at least three Word pages. You introduced a really good story concept, and now you must execute good storytelling. Don't be overwhelmed though. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, and we all need improvement. That's why the DFP community exists: to share stories and help each other get better. My biggest advice for you right now is to not be afraid to go into extended detail about the environment, characters, smells, sounds, feelings, whatever. Details help build important visuals and feelings that captivate readers. You're off to a great start. Keep it up!
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1 ReplySeems too short, you could have put a lot more detail into Ventharok rummaging around, finding the gun, and patching himself up. But even if you didn't add more to that, you need to work at describing his surroundings. We don't know anything about the room he awoke in aside from the fact that there was a table. We don't know the condition of the buildings or the streets aside from the fact that there was rubble. This needs a setting that feels real to strengthen the mood and give life to the story. There's bound to be cars filling the streets, abandoned or totalled from crashes. And bodies, sitting in or around the cars and in the streets and buildings. Dilapidated buildings, broken lamp posts, shattered windows, damaged tools and supplies littering the ground. Take the readers into the apocalypse that was the Collapse. Don't be afraid to add detail, make the image in your mind as real to the readers as it is to you Other than that need to flesh out this chapter, you made a great base to what happened and a good start to this life of Ventharok
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