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originally posted in:Destiny Fiction Producers
Edited by Grays_KS27: 2/20/2019 8:39:52 PM
11

Blank Slate Ch.18: Ire

Table of Contents https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/225386550/0/0 By the time they saw me coming, it was already too late. My Nova Bomb obliterated any of them unlucky enough to be caught in the massive explosion. A maelstrom of Void energy clouded the area as I landed in the center of the blast mark. Ethereal fire flicked through the air alongside the swirls of energy. My Energy Drain pulled it all in. The purple fog thinned, and I took in my surroundings. I stood on scorched sand. No bodies remained from my attack. Fallen and Vex stood at the edges of the cloud, redirecting their attention to the new threat. The fog dissipated. I drew it in, savoring the feeling of pure imperium. I was full of power. My Light burned hot. And so did my ire. The first Dreg didn't have time to react before I shot its head with my hand cannon. Salem's gift. I slowly spun, sidestepping bolts and pulling the trigger, indiscriminately killing. The gun clicked, empty. Tossing a grenade out, I reloaded. The Vex caught in the vortex from the grenade gave me more energy. I started firing again as the enemy ranks began closing in. A Vandal rushed me, shock blades swinging. I sidestepped and spun, smacking it in the back of the head with my gun. Before it could recover, I shot it, then returned my focus to the rest. I had less space now, and The Devil You Know dematerialized, instantly replaced by In Times of Need. I fired a shell, dropping two Dregs with the shotgun blast. I twirled, shooting more, then tossed another grenade. Arc bolts and energy bolts pelted me, but I restored myself as quickly as I was damaged with the Energy Drain from my grenades and Palms. The battle devolved into chaos as Fallen and Vex mixed around me, fighting myself and each other. The brawl continued for another minute, bodies and chassis alike falling to the ground. There were less and less opponents as reinforcements stopped coming. One last Skiff flew over the beach. Gjallarhorn appeared in my hands, and I took aim, then fired. The rocket launcher had a built in tracking system, and the rocket curved through the air into its target. On contact, the rocket exploded into a flurry of cluster bombs, causing more damage. The Skiff plummeted into the acid sea. The Tower had given Twilight Gap's survivors their best equipment. I spun and bashed a Goblin with my Gjallarhorn, then jumped into the air. I used Glide to hover, observing the battlefield. The last Fallen were retreating, and the few remaining Vex were attempting to draw out the fight. I aimed for the nearest group and pulled the trigger. The missile and its cluster bombs eradicated them. I landed as Gjallarhorn vanished into my Inventory. [i] My right knee gave out and I fell onto it, putting my left hand on my left leg to support myself. Wet sand squished under my weight. My right arm wasn't working. Shrapnel piercing farther in. Too many wounds to count. The female Exo had said it was her turn. It seemed like it was my turn to die, as well.[/i] My right knee gave out and I fell onto it, putting my left hand on my left leg to support myself. Wet sand squished under my weight. Guardians didn't normally get tired, but using a lot of Light all at once caused drowsiness and fatigue. I had used a lot. This felt familiar... [i] I looked forward. The city was in shambles, smoke rising, gunfire in the distance. Our defense hadn't been enough. We couldn't give them enough time. Last Exit protocol had failed everywhere, even around the Collective. No one was escaping this planet. I looked left and right. Bodies, flesh and metal, covered the beach. Many belonged to my enemies. The Vex. Many didn't. Exos, frames, and humans.[/i] I looked forward. The old city stood, as decimated as it was when I first saw it. Skiffs darted away as Winter abandoned it. I looked left and right. Bodies, flesh and metal, covered the beach. Most belonged to my enemies. Vex and Fallen. One did not. Salem. This felt familiar... [i] Charred earth, blood running. So many bodies. I felt something lap at my boots and looked back. The sea was mixed with red blood in some places. Black from oil. White radiolarian fluid. Other colors. More bodies, trying to drift away. Flaming wreckage; some sinking deeper, and some still falling in. The sulfuric acid would erase it all from memory. So many bodies. The sound of the waves. Drift away. Sinking deeper. I looked down the beach again as I collapsed. The sound of the waves. It was finally my turn.[/i] Charred earth. Fallen blood and Vex fluids running. So many bodies. I felt something lap at my boots and looked back. The sea was mixed with white Vex fluid in some places. Black from oil. Other colors. More bodies, trying to drift away. Flaming wreckage from the Skiff sinking deeper. The sulfuric acid would erase it all from memory. So many bodies. The sound of the waves. Drift away. Sinking deeper. I looked down the beach again. The sound of the waves. This felt familiar. My Light had restored my strength. I slowly stood. There was something I should be remembering about this city. Why couldn't I remember? I looked to the trees, and saw Salem. He leaned on the tree where I had left him, his hand pressed against the hole in his chest. He smiled at me before his head drooped down. • • • I watched KS as he dropped onto a knee, surrounded by carnage. That had been fun to watch. [i] I guess that's how he makes up for his inability to think straight,[/i] I thought. My hand was pressed firmly against the wound on my chest, staunching the blood trying to flow out. I couldn't feel much, just dull aches. My vision was blurry. [i]Thinking poorly of your friend in your dying breathe?[/i] part of me jested. He studied his surroundings, as if lost in a haze. I knew that look. He got it when he was trying to remember something. [i]Shut up,[/i] I replied warmly. I was running out of blood. The flow began to trickle. I became lightheaded. KS slowly stood, then looked at me. I smiled at him as everything went black. [i]I should stop going on these isolated scouting missions.....[/i]

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  • Edited by AggressiveBacon: 7/7/2018 3:07:44 PM
    [b]Corrections:[/b] 1) Right before Keis' flashback, you write "I landed as Gjallarhorn vanished into my Inventory." Unless I'm missing something (such as if the inventory is being treated as a named tool), that "I" should be lower-case. 2) Directly after this, in his flashback, you write: "*My right knee gave out and I fell onto it; put my left hand on my left leg to support myself.*" You repeat this sentence structure in the present version as well. I believe your use of the above semicolon to be incorrect, though I encourage you to research proper usage and such if you disagree, as I'm by no means an expert. From my understanding, however, semicolons are only to be used between independent clauses. As no form of "put my left hand on my left leg to support me." can stand independently, it does not meet the needed criteria. 3) In this sentence: "Guardians didn't normally get tired, but using a lot of Light all at once caused drowsiness, fatigue, and tore up muscles.", I suspect that your final item is not in agreement with the remainder of he statement. To demonstrate this, remove the first two items. We are left with "...but using a lot of Light all at once caused tore up muscles". [b]Possible remedies:[/b] 1) Self-explanatory. 2) Consider rewording the sentence(s) to make the clauses independent (by ensuring that each has a subject). Alternatively, you may prefer to simply replace the semicolon with a comma and adjust accordingly. Example 1: "My right knee gave out and I fell onto it; I put my left hand on my left leg to support myself." Example 2: "My right knee gave out and I fell onto it, putting my left hand on my left leg to support myself." 3) You have several options for rectifying this as well, neither of which require major re-structuring. One course is to reword "tore up muscles" to be in agreement with the surrounding text. Another is to restructure the way in which you list them. Example 1: "Guardians didn't normally get tired, but using a lot of Light all at once caused drowsiness, fatigue, and torn muscles. Example 2: Guardians didn't normally get tired, but using a lot of Light all at once caused drowsiness and fatigue, as well as (or another "and", though I don't recommend it personally) torn muscles." Changing the "caused" to "could cause"/"could lead to" or something of the like might also improve readability, though that is only a minor suggestion. [b]Critiques:[/b] In the aforementioned sentence(s) (see correction 2), I feel that the repetition of "My [blank] (right/left) [blank] (knee/leg/arm)..." is somewhat superfluous. If it is intentional and entirely necessary, then I would encourage you to leave it untouched. Otherwise, it may be best to consider ways in which you can reword these segments to establish a better flow. [b]General thoughts and suggestions:[/b] Great chapter, and my apologies for the lengthy reply. There are few "errors" (most of which are very slight and possibly not even incorrect), I am just long-winded on occasion. Just a broad suggestion, but you may want to cut back your use of sentence fragments/unusually short sentences outside of the flashbacks and their corresponding moments in the present, as the relative frequency with which they appear somewhat lessens the impact of the stream-of-consciousness parts (in my view, at least). While I recognize that to be your usual writing style, incorporating some of the shorter sentences into others as clauses should aid in sharpening the contrast between your general prose and the exceptional portions...if that is something that interests you. With that said, be wary of over-correction. I, for example, use sentences that are far too lengthy far too often, and that is likewise undesirable. I'm really liking the parallelism, so props to you on that. I look forward to reading the next chapter (hopefully tomorrow). Good night, and God bless!

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    • *cries like baby* why him?!!! Bumps....... ;-;

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      I legit only just got to this chapter due to a bit of inactivity.. [spoiler]im an emotional wreck... [/spoiler]

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    • I went back and caught up with earlier chapters I haven't read yet. Sorry for jumping around. This series was a phenomenal read!

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      • [spoiler]OH MY GOSH WHYYYYY?! THAT WAS SO EPIC AND BEAUTIFUL AND SAD![/spoiler]

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        • My hatred for you grew in this chapter, thus my connection to the dark side grows. Rest in peace Salem.

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          • While I normally don't like Hunters, Salem was awesome. RIP in peace.

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            • Bump! Bump! Severus Bump! Bumpeldore! [spoiler]Only true memers will remember Harry Potter Puppet Pals[/spoiler] [spoiler]So sad![/spoiler]

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              • Bump | | ¿ \____/

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              • 21-bump sendoff for Salem. Liked him, probably because I'm biased for Hunters. Definitely look forward to seeing where the story picks up from here.

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                • Shameless self bump

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