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originally posted in:Destiny Fiction Producers
Edited by Grays_KS27: 2/20/2019 8:38:08 PM
7

Blank Slate Ch.16: Bladedancer

Table of Contents https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/225386550/0/0 I stepped out into the road. As the Vex noticed me, I took aim. Fluid containers shattered, fan-shaped heads fractured, red optical lenses cracked, and metal chassis clattered to the ground with every trigger pull. Energy bolts streaked by me, but I quickly broke down the small group. Within seconds, my path was cleared. Not waiting to see if more Vex or Fallen had noticed the gunfight, I sprinted down the road. The next few streets were empty, and I was almost to the beach. • • • Keis barreled between the trees. A group of Skiffs flitted overhead, moving in the same direction as us. "Salem," I warned, "We just saw Skiffs flying to the beach." "Yeah, I'm running into more Vex the closer I get," Salem replied, "I guess that means we're heading towards the fight." "Maybe you should stay in the city," I suggested, "Just go South." "No, Blanc," Salem said, "That's where the Vex are coming from, and I'm easy prey for a Skiff in these streets." "We can avoid the fight," Salem's Ghost assured, "The trees will hide us once we're out of the city." "That sounds like the best plan," Keis agreed. • • • Salem waited for the Vex Hydra to pass by, then darted behind it to the next avenue. "Turn right, then the second left, then right," I directed, "Then we'll be out of the city." "Good job, Ghost," Salem thanked. He rounded the corner slowly. When he was sure that the lane was clear, he sprinted down it, passing the first left and looking down it. I saw what he saw through his visor display. A group of Vex was moving towards us, and began firing. Salem kept going, and the buildings protected us as he got to the other side of the intersection. He continued his run, taking the second left just as the Vex following us marched onto the lane. There were Vex on this street, too. Salem tossed a grenade. When it hit the ground, it split into multiple projectiles of Arc energy. They sought out their targets, creating small explosions on impact. Salem shot the Vex that were still standing, then ran to the corner. He peered around it. A short street led into the trees. A few Vex could be seen moving through them, towards the beach. • • • A Vex Goblin turned in time to see me swing my arm. I hit it with a Palm, and it was launched into a tree, shattering the bark. I ran past it. "I'm going into the forest," Salem announced, "There's a few Vex, but no problems. Where are you?" "We're close," Blanc answered, "We've run into some Vex, too." More Skiffs flew by as I shot a Hobgoblin's fluid container. "Do you see any Fallen?" Blanc asked. "No," Salem replied, "But I can hear guns firing. They're close." • • • I hid behind a tree. Through the foliage, I could see the beach. A Skiff cruised above me. It slowed to a stop and dropped off a group of Fallen. More of the scavengers were moving through the sand. Off to the side, some Vex were marching out into the open. Energy bolts and Arc bolts darted back and forth between the two groups. "Found your Fallen," I muttered, "Looks like the fight is on the beach." "Go around them, Salem," Blanc advised, "Stay in the trees." "Yeah," I agreed, staying low as I moved past the Fallen. I was halfway across when a Minotaur tramped through the foliage. I rolled to the side as it noticed me and fired an explosive shot from its weapon. The blast drew the attention of the Fallen, and Arc bolts began zipping over me and at the Minotaur. The Minotaur tried clubbing me with a swing from its massive arm, but I dodged. A volley of shots blanketed the Minotaur, and it collapsed. The red light of its eye flickered out. I looked at the Fallen, then dived to the side as another volley was unleashed. I sprinted southwest, towards KS. • • • A Goblin raised its hand, attempting to hit me with an energy discharge from its palm. I rammed it, knocking it down as I tore its arm from its joints. My boot crushed its fluid container, and I turned to shoot another Goblin. "The Fallen saw me," Salem grunted on the comms, "They're ridiculously persistent." "Where are you?" I asked. "Halfway across this stretch of beach," he huffed, "The Vex are making it really hard to stay in the trees." "I'm giving you our location," his Ghost informed. "Here's ours," Blanc returned, "We're about two minutes away." Salem sighed, "That'll wor-" • • • A Goblin teleported right in front of me. I cut off my sentence, crashing into it as I stabbed its fluid container with a knife. "Salem?!" Blanc yelled. "I'm okay," I assured her, continuing my run. Vex were pressing down from the trees on my right. Winter was pressing from the beach on my left. This time, a group of Goblins materialized in front of me. I shot them. When I came close, my knife impaled their containers one by one. More appeared. I couldn't force my way past them. Arc bolts from the Fallen sprayed through the trees. I was trapped between the two colliding forces. A bolt from a sniper hit the back of my head. My perspective moved to third person as my body fell limply. A torrent of Arc bolts battered the Vex, but the Vex kept coming. A Dreg threw a grenade into the mass of metal constructs. Ghost materialized to revive me, staying under the crossfire. I was pulled back into my body as I rematerialized on my feet. "Ghost!" I shouted. The grenade went off. I was thrown to the side, scorched pieces of Vex chassis falling around me. I propped myself up on my elbow. "Ghost!" I called, "Ghost, where are you?! GHOST!" There was no reply. "Salem!" KS's voice crackled on the comms, "What happened?" "I can't find Ghost," I choked. "Oh no," Blanc whispered. "Run now, Salem!" KS commanded. I stood. Vex were swarming out of the forest, blocking my path. Fallen rushed forward to meet them, turning the tree line into a mess of steel and flesh. Arc Light coursed through my veins. It danced across my armor, making me glow. Two large knives materialized in my hands, comprised purely of my energy. The air around me sizzled and cracked. I entered the blade trance. "I'm coming, KS," I growled. I ran towards my enemies. I would rend any that got in my way.

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  • Edited by AggressiveBacon: 7/6/2018 2:42:34 AM
    Hello. I haven't read the entire chapter (yet), but I wanted to jot down what I've found so far. I will edit this reply in a few minutes. Corrections: In the third perspective (which, if I recall, is that of Salem's ghost), you wrote: "Salem waited for the Vex Hydra to pass by, the darted behind it..." That should say "then". Critiques: 1) In the aforementioned paragraph, I noticed one area in which you said "he" frequently (yes, I know, it's an incredibly common and unavoidable word, but it seemed a little too repetitive). I suggest that you consider some way of remedying that, though action is not imperative. Here's the relevant excerpt: "He rounded the corner slowly. When he was sure that the lane was clear, he sprinted down it. As he passed the first left, he looked down it. I saw what he saw through his visor display." Suggestion(s): Though this may disagree with the remainder of the chapter to such an extent as to make it infeasible, I would suggest possibly changing the tense to past progressive, as that is how I would address the problem myself. That said, I've not paid much mind to the tense(s) of the surrounding text, so take that advice with a grain of salt. Another possibility is to simply convert the four relatively short sentences in said excerpt into longer sentences, as you would have less need to mention the subject with such frequency. 2) Shortly before Salem encounters the Minotaur, you say: "More of Winter were moving through the sand." I don't know how to write this correctly, or even if the way that you did write it was incorrect, but it seemed...strange. I just felt the need to point it out. I may be alone in my distaste for it. General thoughts: ;-; [spoiler] Character death (possibly) imminent! This is not a drill![/spoiler]

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    • BLADE DANCER IS THE BEST!!! \( * • * )/ Bump

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