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Edited by Eigerphant:
8/10/2015 4:58:02 PM
1399
Let's hear your best joke
Comment with your best joke!
Edit: Can't believe the amount of jokes there are - it's brilliant, keep them coming
Edit: Jesus that's a lot of jokes
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3 Replies"Mommy, why is my backpack so heavy?" "allauh akhbar, sweetie"
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2 RepliesEdited by Autolycus: 5/6/2015 2:08:45 PMSo the line to heaven is really crowded one day, and God decides to only let in people who died in a really shitty way. The first man begins. "So I came home from work. When I got to my apartment, I saw my wife naked in bed and realized I had been cheated on. The balcony was open, so I looked out, and there was a man wearing very little clothing hanging on to the balcony below. I was so angry I grabbed my refrigerator and threw it at him. I was so shocked from the experience that I died of a heart attack. The angle replies: "Wow, that is pretty shitty, go right in." The second man tells his story: "So I was doing yoga on my balcony, when I slipped and nearly fell off. I was hanging on to the balcony when a refrigerator crushed me." The angle replies: "That's also a crappy way to die, come right in." The third man starts: "So here I was, naked in this refrigerator..."
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Is Soviet Russia Rares dismantle you
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How do you get a clown off a swing? [spoiler]hit him with an ax[/spoiler] How do you make a clown cry? [spoiler]murder his family[/spoiler] Why did Timmy fail the test [spoiler]Because his mother gave him up for adoption so he couldn't make it to the school[/spoiler]
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Try my hand: What do you call a Mexican who jumps in a pool? [spoiler]Bean dip[/spoiler] Why do mexicans drive low riders? [spoiler]so they can drive and pick strawberries[/spoiler] Whats the difference between a large pizza and a black man? [spoiler]the pizza can feed a family of four[/spoiler] What do you call 10 black people stranded on the moon? [spoiler]a problem[/spoiler] What do you call 100 black people stranded on the moon? [spoiler]a bigger problem[/spoiler] What do you call all of the black people stranded on the moon? [spoiler]the solution[/spoiler] Why arent there any white jokes here? [spoiler]because they -blam!-ing run the world and are the root of all things evil and wrong with this world[/spoiler]
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6 RepliesYour pitiful existence!! Jk
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Well -blam!-. 'I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the san diego zoo'
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Women's rights.
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1 ReplyHis wife is calling him AR. Says he has too fast a fire rate and not enough impact... Ba dum cha...
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I've never served in the military but I have a crazy collection of military jokes. These are two of my favorites: So an Army Ranger decides he wants to see how Recon Marines train so he goes to check it out for a few days. Well at the end of the training they go on a full gear march. Well they are marching along when finally the Gunny calls for a rest. While they are resting the Gunny walks over to an oak tree whips his little general out and whacks it against tree then calls for a resume. This happens a few more times and finally the Ranger asks, "Gunny what is up with that?" The Gunny replies, " It makes you last longer, go stronger and the ladies love it." Well the Ranger has some leave coming up and a hot wife so he goes home and remembers the Gunny's advice. Not having a tree handy he whips it out and bangs it against the door a few times. From inside the house he hears his wife call out," Gunny is that you?" Now for all former Army a little bit of a leveler. So little Johnny is visiting DC for the first time. He's using the restroom when in walks a Marine in his class A looking sharp and squared away. Little Johnny is awestruck and says, " Wow are you a real live Marine?" The Marine says" Yes son I am. Do you want to wear my cover?" Well little Johnny is thrilled and he pits on the hat and starts marching around. About this time an 82nd Airborne trooper walks in. Little Johnny is amazed." Wow are you a real live 82nd Airborne trooper?" He asks. The trooper replies," Yes I am. Do you want to suck my dick?" Little Johnny says, "Oh I'm not a Marine. I'm just wearing his hat."
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My geography teacher says: If Obama says he has nuclear weeping that proves he has power... But if I said I had nuclear weapons you would just laugh. I respond with: Just like North Korea!
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What's a Mexicans favorite sport? Cross Country
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A snobbish criminal walking down stairs would be a condescending con descending.
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1 ReplyEdited by Nightingale: 4/26/2015 2:04:29 PMWhat's the difference between Bungie and Hasbro? Bungie has more nerfed guns.
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3 RepliesJesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.
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2 RepliesIf your rāpe a prostitute, is it rāpe or shoplifting?
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1 ReplyA Russian, Asian, American, and Mexican stand on top of a bridge. They throw objects each of their own races have too much of. The Russian throws Vodka, the Asian throws noodles, and the Mexican throws hot sauce. Finally, the American throws the Mexican into the water with the vodka, noodles, and hot sauce
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27 RepliesEdited by ResonantParoxysm: 5/6/2015 2:21:09 PMAnna was a good girl who went to bible school every day. However on this particular day she was tired. Anna was sleeping in the middle of class and her teacher did not like this. So the teacher comes over to Anna's desk while asking the class questions about the bible. The teacher says,"Anna, who created the earth?" Anna's friend, Tony, who was sitting behind her didn't want her to get in trouble so he poked her with the sharpened end of his pencil. Anna, upon feeling this, jumped up and said,"GOD ALMIGHTY!" Her teacher was pleased with her unexpected answer so she praised her and moved onto quizzing the rest of the class. A few minutes later the teacher came back to find Anna sleeping again. This time she says,"Anna, who is our lord and savior?" Tony pokes Anna again which causes her to jump up and yell," JESUS CHRIST!" The teacher was pleased so she moved on. The teacher felt like she was asking Anna questions that were to easy for her to answer, even in a daze, so she went back with a question that would take a lot more thought and energy to answer. She said,"Anna, what did Eve say to Adam when they had their twenty-third child?" Tony pokes Anna again and she jumped up and turned around to Tony and says,"If you poke me with that thing one more time I swear to God I'll snap it in half and shove it up your ass!" [spoiler]Best so far?[/spoiler]
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12 RepliesEdited by OMiNoUsBLue: 5/3/2015 9:02:48 PMWhat do you call a black man in space? [spoiler]an astroNOT[/spoiler] p.s. No offense my black peeps, I luv yew! What's green and has wheels? [spoiler]GRASS! I lied about the wheels![/spoiler] What's do ducks and bikes have in common? [spoiler]they both have handlebars, except for the duck![/spoiler] I went to Seafood Disco last night, I pulled a mussel! Why isn't Hellen Keller a good driver? [spoiler]she's dead...[/spoiler] Have you heard of the sequel to Diary of Anne Frank? [spoiler]Anne Goes to Camp[/spoiler] Why do Asian people have squinty eyes? [spoiler]atomic bombs are perty bright[/spoiler] A horse walked into a bar, several people got up and left as they saw the potential danger in the situation A man walks into a bar, his alcoholism is destroying his family A man wakes up in a hospital after an accident and says "doctor, doctor! I can't feel my legs!" The doctor then says, "I know, I amputated your arms!" Two cannibals are eating a clown, one says to the other, "does this taste funny to you!?"
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3 RepliesStatistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gangrape
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1 ReplyTwo black guys are strolling along at a state fair. They come upon a gypsy's tent with a sign in front that reads TURN WHITE FOR ONLY $15. The black guys look at each other and figure, "-blam!- it, why not? Should be good for a laugh." They go through their pockets; one comes up with only $10, but his buddy has a 20. "I've got it!" the first guy says. "Take your 20 and go in there, then come back with the 5 in change and I can go in." The second guy agrees, and walks into the tent. Several minutes go by. The first guy is getting antsy. Suddenly, the flap of the tent opens and out walks the most perfect Aryan specimen of a man you ever did see: tall, well-built, great posture, pale skin, blue eyes and hair like golden flax. He's even wearing a new suit. The first black guy is ecstatic. "Holy shit, it worked! Here, give me that $5 so I can do it too!" The white guy looks at him and says "Fūck you nîgger, get a job."
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Destiny has a great narative
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1 ReplyMy personal collection. What did the hat, say to the hat rack? You stay here, I'll go on a head. What did the shy pebble wish? That it was a little bolder. What did the dog say when it sat on some sand paper? Ruff.... How many dragon ball z characters does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it will take about 6 episodes. Did you hear about the red ship and blue ship that collided? All the sailors where marooned. How does Jack Frost get to work? By icicle. The past, the present, and the future, walk into a bar at the same time. It was tense. What's the difference between a tuna and a piano? You can tuna a piano but you can't piano a tuna. How do you will smith in the snow? Fresh prints.
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1 ReplyWhat do a catholic priest and a silver medal winning olympic runner have in common? They both came in a little behind.
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Managed to have a good laugh, Brilliant guys - Good job
