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Edited by SabreJ6: 3/28/2013 3:43:40 AM
13

A short story.

Not so long ago, there was a man named Harold. Harold lived in a large city known as Tide and was quite popular among the people. One day however, Harold set out to create his own empire. It started small. He called the people that lived in his small kingdom Harold's Noble Watch. As the empire grew, so did the amount of people within it, some for better, some for worse. One lady came across this kingdom, she was known as Jane the Harlot. She seduced Harold and soon became the queen of Harold's Noble Watch. At this point, Jane wanted to expand Harold's Noble Watch. She had become a power hungry, narcissistic, psychopath. She convinced Harold to expand the empire, the city Harold created was now renamed Cobalt. Cobalt grew, the power, however went to Jane's head and she was now on the path of trying to completely take over Cobalt. The years passed and a man known as Scimitar from Tide came to Cobalt to seek refuge. IN the beginning days of his time in Cobalt he felt as if he had peace within himself. The ruckus and controversy of Tide was aside and he was free from it. This soon changed. Scimitar himself became a known member of Cobalt's society, but a disliked one. Among some of the members he was known as a prophet, a seer. Some believed he would lead the society out of the dark times that loomed ahead. Jane took notice of Scimitar. He was a trouble-maker. He would cause an occasional riot that would question the government. He would start a fight with someone. Jane felt that his presence was dangerous, that he would try to overthrow her from the throne if possible. She was right. Scimitar soon became more of nuisance for Jane. He would take whatever chance he could to expose Jane for the cruel, spiteful, dictator she was. Jane was fed up, as were her puppets. She focused Scimitar with various attacks but he stood strong. After an assassination attempt failed against Scimitar he fled to Tide. Never to reenter Cobalt's walls again. The End

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  • Prophet: one who speaks for God or some other divine entity Profit: Net increase in wealth This is a summary of a story, not a short story. You really need to flesh it out. Who is Harold? How does he come into a position where he is able to break away from Tide and have the ability to create a new city? What happens to Harold after Jane takes over? How does Jane deal with her previous reputation for harlotry? What was the social climate in Cobalt like before Scimitar shows up? For what reasons did Scimitar leave Tide? Is Scimitar's name of some significance to his character? What exactly is Scimitar's personality like? What exactly does Jane try to do to Scimitar before she tries to have him killed? What happened to the people that believed in Scimitar? It feels like you're sacrificing the potential of the story for directness of a message, which really isn't something that a writer should worry about.. You leave the reader with too many questions and it feels like you threw it together in fifteen minutes or less. It is lacking in description to the extreme and to quote Faber from Fahrenheit 451, "The good writers touch life often. The mediocre ones run a quick hand over her. The bad ones -blam!- her and leave her for the flies."

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