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Edited by Silas Mori: 8/31/2023 1:20:54 PM
3

The Predator

[url=https://www.royalroad.com/profile/390407]Profile[/url] ”I let her out, I let her win, now why exactly would I do that? I’ll tell you why.” Silas smiled “Mr. Mori can you please sit down, the interrogation hasn’t even begun yet.” Shenya hissed ”What do you mean I’m being interrogated? I thought this was just an interview, isn’t that what you told me, commissioner? Anyways, what exactly would you like to know?” Silas chuckled “You already know what I want from you, can we please just get this over with already?” Shenya said, rolling her eyes “Ok, fine, I’ll tell you, can you please stop pestering me?” Silas groaned [b][i]3 months ago…[/b][/i] That summer, in a small fishing hamlet off the coastline, was when it all started. My kinsmen were nothing but poor fishermen. Their cabins were made from a mixture of kelp, driftwood, and the bones of various creatures. Most of them were either rotting or waterlogged due to their close proximity to the sea. Nonetheless my kin seemed content with their lives, and I, with mine. While they went out into the world, I sat along the shore and studied arcane texts from far off civilizations. Necromancy in particular, piqued my interest. The ability to raise the dead was something that would seem rather useful. Bringing back those who had been lost to war or famine seemed like a perfectly reasonable application, though that wasn’t the source of my interest in this particular field. Immortality has long been unobtainable for mankind, and through necromancy, perhaps it can be obtained. Eternal life through death seemed ludicrous at first, but the more I thought about it, the more logical it became. I would have continued with my endeavor had it not been for the return of the fishermen. Oddly enough they had come back a few hours earlier than usual. I packed up my things and ever so calmly walked over to one of them. ”My good sir, why did you return so early?” I inquired “Storm’s a comin’, though I reckon you might not have noticed.” I gazed out into the sea and saw a mass of fog rolling towards us, dragging a storm along with it. A bolt of lightning struck the water’s surface as the crash of thunder shook the boats on the dock. “I’ve seen you fish in worse weather than that, what makes this one so bad?” I asked My kin did not answer and instead rushed inside. I shrugged and stared back at the storm which was rapidly approaching. I hesitated for a moment before running to the docks in order to get a closer look at it. When I finally got there that was when I heard it: the singing. Never had I heard anything so beautiful in my entire life. The melody hit me like a wave crashing upon the shore. It was so poignant, I found myself struggling stand, let alone breathe. Yet I managed to regain my composure, boarded one of the nearby dinghies, and set out toward the storm. The closer I got the louder the song became and the quieter the storm got. When I had finally passed through the fog I was met with a most peculiar sight, a woman sitting on a small island. By this point the singing had stopped, as had the boat. I stepped off and walked onto the island to greet the woman. Her dress was the color of the deepest parts of the sea, and her eyes were a brilliant blue. [i]“What brings you to my domain traveler?” she asked[/i] ”What exactly are you, a god?” I inquired The woman chuckled [i]”Not exactly, though considering your kind I might as well be.”[/i] ”So, you’re saying that these people once worshipped you?” [i]”Yes, and now they run in fear at my approach, cowards!”[/i] she hissed ”Now I wouldn’t say that they’re cowards, no ma’am.” The woman walked over to me, her form slowly shifted to something more draconic. She smiled and pressed her claws against my throat. [i]”Would you like to join them, darling?”[/i] she chuckled ”No ma’am, I would not.” I whimpered [i]”Good, now I just need someone to prepare them for my arrival, don’t want to make this too easy on myself now do I?[/i] ”Seriously, what are you!?” I yelled [i]”Some call me a demon, others call me a monster, but most people say that I’m an apex predator.”[/i] [b]”So, being an apex predator includes what exactly? The destruction of a small village I’m assuming? But why? That seems completely unnecessary?”[/b] [i]”Because I want to enjoy myself, do you understand? Or do you want a demonstration?” She sharpened her claws and grinned.[/i] I shook my head and walked back towards the boat. ([i]”What am I going to do?” I said to myself “I either do as she says or these people could get torn to shreds, or I do nothing and the same thing happens.”[/i]) [i]”Remember darling, we have a deal you and I, please don’t break it.”[/i] I nodded and began the journey back to land. When I exited the fog some of my kin were waiting for me. They helped me out of the boat and took me into the meeting house. “What exactly did you see?” One of the elders asked me ”Nothing, everything is perfectly fine, I saw nothing out there.” I lied My kin looked at me and then at the elder who sighed and shook his head. “I’m sorry my boy but we’re going to have to exile you.” He said ”Why? What have I done?” I asked The elder did not speak, instead he ordered two of the fishermen to take me outside. They led me out into the forest on the outskirts of the town and left me there. The weather only continued to worsen as the storm drew closer to the village. I looked towards the village in shock, knowing that these people were completely doomed. The only thing for me to do was to try and warn them, but why should I? It’s too late now. But how exactly would I reach them in time, the village was 5 miles away from me. I shrugged and ran towards the village as the rain began pouring down. The closer I got the worse the storm became, the fog made it nearly impossible for me to see the village at this point. I saw one of my kin running toward me, his clothes torn and his left arm severed. “What are you doing! Get out here while you still can!” He said I ignored him and finally reached the village, which was nearly destroyed. Most of the houses were just lone stilts, the bones lying broken on the ground. I headed over to the docks, only to see that they were in complete disarray. The boats were nothing but piles of wood, drowning in the ocean. Thinking that no one was left I began to leave, but as I did I heard her singing again. I fell to the ground screaming, and my vision began to darken. But just as soon as it started, the singing had stopped. I got up and looked around me, the storm had ceased, and I could see the full extent of the damage. I walked towards the forest, turning back to see the complete extent of the damage. I hoped that some of my kin had fled to safety in the forest. Yet paranoia only filled my mind when I saw none of them upon my arrival. Perhaps they were hiding from her, and yet I couldn’t shake the feeling that they were all dead. I continued to wander farther into the forest and as I did, I began to feel something watching me. I looked up at the trees only to be met with nothing. Every time I thought I had seen something, it turned out to be nothing but shadows. The lack of any wildlife did not help my paranoia at all. At this time the sun began to set and the forest only got darker and darker. Then I heard the leaves rustle behind me and turned around in a panic only to be met with . When I turned around I was met with a creature lunging towards me, its claws drawn. I was quickly pinned to the ground as the creature hissed at me and tilted its head. I wanted to scream but couldn’t as the creature pressed its weight onto my chest. I closed my eyes, waiting for the creature to tear me apart, and yet it didn’t. I felt relief as the creature removed itself from my frame. Upon opening my eyes I was met with her staring back at me, her scales illuminated by the moonlight. [i]”Did I scare you darling?” She teased[/i] I shook my head, got up, and dusted off my robes. She smiled and held out her hand to me. I looked at her perplexed by this gesture. ”What more do you want from me! Haven’t you already taken enough?” I yelled [i]”Darling, can you please calm down? I only did what was necessary. Now I would like to offer you my protection.”[/i] ”Necessary? You call the slaughter of innocent civilians necessary!” [i]”These people have failed to uphold their end of the bargain for quite some time now, it was only necessary that I remind them of the consequences of their actions.”[/i]

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  • Edited by SometimesIDrinkCoffee: 6/17/2023 10:27:46 PM
    Ok, I went through it, uploaded it as a PDF with commentary to my drive. It's not bad, your dialogue is, for the most part, pretty decent, and you have some strong descriptions. There is a lot of missing punctuation. I would say this is your most common mistake. I pointed some of it out, enough to give you an idea of your habits. There's also some odd narrative and stylistic choices. I got the impression that you were eager to get it done in the second half and rushed it out. (Don't know whether that's the case or not.) Anyway, I left my thoughts in the PDF. I also gave some suggestions that I personally think would help the prose flow better, but since it's just me giving my opinion, you can ignore them if you want. My suggestion is to take a little bit more time and read over what you wrote and try to put yourself in the shoes of the reader, not the author. Doing this can really help to see which areas need polishing up. Hope this isn't overwhelming. Editing my own work has left me pretty -blam!- about certain things. Either way, good job.

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