First and foremost, you’ve the common habit of implanting a comma wherever you hear a pause in your head. Proper writing etiquette would be to omit and leave the pause to the reader. If you wish to intentionally implement a pause I recommend using an em dash (—, most mobile devices will convert two dashes into an em dash). Secondly, try not to divide independent clauses (or essentially what can be standalone sentences) with commas. Use semicolons or—in more niche circumstances—em dashes if you want to use just punctuation or simply add a conjunction otherwise. To break up the monotony and simplicity of dialogue, try implementing descriptions of action. For instance, you used “[Y]our fury clouded your judgement. Guards, take her away.” The space between these sentences feels a little rushed through, so I’d add something like “‘Your fury clouded your judgement.’ The King leaned back in his throne and waved a hand in dismissal. ‘Guards, take her away.’” “She didn’t bother with the food, and she wasn’t hungry.” Since you can extend this comparison a little you should probably do so. Something like “She didn’t bother with the food; she wasn’t hungry anyway.” “She slept for 12 days [. . .]” First, I’d recommend fully typing the word for any number below 21. I personally prefer to type out all numbers when in dialogue. Second, this is a pretty unusual event so you should at least expound upon it a little. “The pair found themselves at an airlock.” Try to mentally follow the chronology of events so as not to have any skips. You never mentioned that they arrived at an airlock, only that they found themselves in one immediately after entering the vent. “They ran to the other side, with another airlock.” I’m pretty sure the airlock wasn’t running with them, so you might want to use another preposition. “[. . .]walked up the stairs, to find the main[. . .]” No comma before an infinitive. “They climbed up, and escaped.” Don’t separate a dependent clause with a comma. If you ever have trouble differentiating, an independent clause can stand alone as a sentence (“He did this, and he did that”) and a dependent clause cannot (“He did this and did that.”) Gonna stop here ‘cause I don’t want to be [i]too[/i] nit-picky. Overall cool story, though.