[quote]I love that you're starting to write. Writing is really the only thing that keeps my sanity, though I don't post my writing on here often. The main thing that struck me as a more broad criticism is that there was a little too much telling rather than showing of what the characters did. The dialogue was pretty good, but the descriptions of characters and actions weren't descriptive enough. Try to do as little of "They did", or "they were" and the like, and focus on more detailed explanations Great job though![/quote] Thank you! And I will try my best.