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originally posted in: D.F.A. 1st Annual Writing Contest
Edited by ChickenPopTarts: 6/11/2020 9:17:58 PM
4
I decided I would write something though I won't be really active for a while longer. The Story: [spoiler] Two men stood in the middle of a vast, dark hall. Hung about it were tapestries depicting the decisive victories and defeats of humanity against the forces of the Dark. One of the men was on the short side and wore a long cloak over gleaming plates of armor. A mask that seemed to be made of polished silver covered his face. The other wore no mask, instead, he had dark, long hair that hung down the sides of his face. His eyes glittered in the darkness of the hall. The face that the hair hung over was heavily scarred and looked to be old and weary of life as it had become, but also had the look of one determined to survive to the end of all days. They argued, each seemingly giving his all to persuade the other against his course of action. “You should not meddle in what you do not understand.” This from the man with the silver helm, with a voice deep and booming through the hall. “If you do not tread carefully and with wisdom it will devour your mind and body. Who you are will become like shards in a dark night, only surfacing when someone dares to shine a light on you. That is not survival, it is torment eternal.” “But I do understand, who I am will not become like shards in the night. I will not fall as others have before.” The man in the silver helm sighed. “Many have spoken the words that leave your mouth, all of them have fallen. The new Dredgens, the Shadows of Yor, Yor himself, all fell. Most were very powerful and what most would consider wise.” “If none try then none shall discover. My mind is made, neither you nor your friends in the Tower can convince me otherwise. You are like a brother to me Vendir, but I cannot stand and watch you and all others die. This is my path, if I fall to ruin so be it. But let others try until one succeeds, because someone always does.” The man with the long hair looked at the floor when he finished speaking. “I will not stop you by force if you go down this path, not until you have been consumed. But please! I implore you to think harder and see what I see. Folly! That's what I see, folly!” “I have thought Vendir, and I have made up my mind. Others stand with me, ready to do what is necessary, and to end the threat I become if I fail.” “You would sunder the unity of the Tower for this?” The man with the long hair finally raised his gaze from the floor and stared Vendir in the eyes. “It is the only way. Through fire, we will be strengthened.” “Or burned. Do not be so hasty to throw away that which we have built.” “I leave,” and the man with the long hair did. But before he was gone he called over his shoulder, “If I fail remember these words. ‘Forgive what I have done, and never forget what I was.’” “I will remember these until the end of my days.” The door shut, not with a banging as Vendir expected, but with a soft thud. He hung his head and wondered what would become of his dear friend. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Six months later… Vendir’s silver helm reflected the multifaceted light of the opulent chandelier that hung above him. It was out of place in the midst of a room made of harsh, cold concrete walls, but it was there. He supposed it was in the nature of greedy men to surround themselves with as much wealth as could be mustered. He stood in the center of the room, people sat in many tiered seats that rose near the ceiling. All of them seemed to have some importance to the functions of the Last City on Earth. The Vanguard was present as well as the Speaker and the heads of all the most influential factions in the City. In the center with him stood a man he used to know well. But now he knew not what he had become. His long hair had been haphazardly cut into a short hairstyle of varying length around his head. His eyes shone with a new malevolence behind them in the light of the chandelier. The voice he spoke with, having once been soft and careful, was replaced with a harsher voice. Though dripping with charisma it was, there was no disguising a change that had taken place in his heart. The Changed Man spoke to the assembled personages. “You must see, my friends of the City, that I am not evil. No shadow has taken possession of my heart, no splinter of the Dark has lodged itself in my skull. I am pure and my purpose is the same as ever. There is a way to protect all of us.” The Speaker held up his hand for silence. “This is the twelfth time you have attempted to convince us of this, yet each time we doubt you a string of venomous insults is hurled from your mouth. There is no doubt something unwholesome had taken up residence in your heart. We have seen your actions and your defense has proven not to consist of facts but of opinion. You commit murder and thievery against those you would call your friends, and spread the corruption of the Dark. In light of that we must remove you as a threat to the Last City. Sadly, death is the only sure and effective method.” “Then at least permit me one last request.” “We will hear it, but do not be under the impression it will be accepted.” “I formally submit a request that Vendir be my executioner. He has represented your views to me and been a stand in for you and your associates from the City. Therefore I request that as the one who was present at the beginning of the conflict, be the one to finish it.” The Speaker looked to Vendir who slowly, and reluctantly, nodded his head. “Vendir will carry out this last request.” As Vendir and the Changed Man were walked to the chambers of execution the Changed Man spoke to Vendir. Though this time he sounded as he once did, “I have failed, but never forget who I once was.” When the time came and Vendir summoned every shred of his will to carry out what had been laid before him. Before he delivered the death blow he said his parting words, “You are forgiven.” The Changed Man who had once been his friend glanced at him one more time and drew in a deep breath. He had failed to do what he had wished to do, as the death blow came he felt the shadow overtake him. Then the end came. [/spoiler]
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  • Well done, buddy! Congratulations on winning!

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  • The winner has been announced!

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  • Thanks for participating! Well done. Good use of the conflict of Dredgens becoming corrupted. Here’s some things I noticed, and you can make edits to your story accordingly. In the second paragraph- you mention the lights being off in a weird place.[quote]His eyes glittered in the darkness of the hall, for no light was turned on.[/quote]It’s like you’re saying his eyes are glittering because the lights are off, which makes no sense. The “for no light was turned on” would make much more sense if it was in the first paragraph when you say the hall is dark. Something like “The hall was dark, for no light was turned on.” When the Changed Man is facing the Consensus, it was only briefly mentioned that he’d done some bad things. Most of the discussion was focused on his words, defense and beliefs. This downplays the fact that he’s done something terrible that led to this execution. I think it would be good to have the Speaker emphasize that the Changed Man has done horrible things that led up to this.

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  • I'll edit it tomorrow if all goes well according to my schedule. Thanks for the feedback.

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