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2/15/2018 3:32:44 AM
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It’s good but two things - think about your sentence construction more. Take your second sentence for example...
[i]The bar is small, with only a few stalls and a short bar[/i]
It should read....
The bar is small, short, with only a few stalls
And why is everything written in present tense? It’s reading more like a script, a set of directions, rather than a piece of prose that’s telling a story. Now, that doesn’t mean that prose can’t be written in present tense. If you take the likes of Raymond Chandler and that kind of pulp crime thriller, it gives an immediacy to the story - [i]I feel the cold hard metal of a .45 pressed against my back, and in that instant I know I’ll be pushing up the daisies if I don’t act fast[/i] - that kind of thing. However, it’s what’s appropriate for the context. And the more relaxed context of your story might be better suited for regular past tense
English
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Edited by Grays_KS27: 2/15/2018 4:33:29 PMThanks for the advice, I appreciate it. "The bar is small" refers to the whole establishment/building, while "with a short bar" refers specifically to the counter. I'll fix that and make it clear. That was a good grammar tip, though As for the present tense, every other chapter of Blank Slate has been written in past tense. I changed it in this to experiment, specifically because it's a good tense in moments of action. I also use present tense in my other story, Survivors, and I like the feel of present tense more than past tense. If it's not too much to ask, could you read a couple of chapters from Blank Slate and Survivors for me? (Follow the link on this post to the Table of Contents, then follow the link there to my Master Post for Survivors) I would love for you to compare the two and their tenses, then give me your opinion, so that I can make changes. [spoiler](This request is for anyone who is interested, those of you who are reading this👁)[/spoiler]
