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originally posted in:Destiny Fiction Producers
8/3/2017 4:57:31 AM
6

Sunrise: Part 1

Hey everyone! I decided to try my hand at a story of my own! This is a character I've had in my head for a bit more than a month, but have only just now actually written anything about. So, yeah! Thanks for inviting me into this community, and I hope you enjoy! -Ninja The early evening sunlight filtered through gaps in the ashy clouds as yet another blizzard blew in from the east. I shifted uncomfortably in my perch, gripping my weapon tighter in my mechanical grasp. I wasn’t particularly fond of snow. It was somewhat too cold for my taste, and it always managed to fill every gap in my armor, no matter what I did to prevent it. My Ghost chirped, and I held out my hand, his scarred and tarnished shell hovering over my palm. His blue eye blinked in the fading daylight. “Guardian, I’m receiving reports of increased Splicer activity near King’s Watch.” I sighed, leaping from my perch and dropping to the ground below. “I’m getting sick of dealing with those guys.” My Ghost nodded in agreement, disappearing in a flash of light and reintegrating into my armor as I began to move. The snow crunched underfoot as I crossed the Rocketyard, my hand cannon at the ready. The blizzard was growing worse, and I squinted, attempting to see anything through the dense flurries. The snowdrifts grew thicker with each step I took, and I soon gave up hope of seeing anything. The wind had picked up, making my cloak rustle and snap behind me. After walking for what felt like hours, I finally found a solid wall. I sighed, slinging my weapon onto my back and pulling out my knife, and crept along the wall, eyes searching for anything visible through the whiteout. I soon found an entryway and ducked inside. It was small, cramped, and cold, but offered a welcome reprieve from the elements. I decided to wait out the storm, sitting in the corner and wrapping my cloak around me for warmth. The Splicers could wait. I opened my eyes and leapt from my resting place. Fatigue had finally caught up to me, and I had fallen asleep, losing precious hours in my exhaustion. I peeked my head out of the room. It was late morning, and the sky was thankfully clear. I summoned my Sparrow and leapt aboard, its damaged chassis creaking under my weight. I sped over snowdrifts and under the rusted remains of ancient buildings sagging under the weight of the snow, until I reached King’s Watch. The blizzard had piled snow high in front of the doors, blocking my entry. I jumped off my Sparrow, and began to search for any signs of Splicer activity. I soon found one; A massive hole in the side of a building, tendrils of SIVA growing out of it like weeds. [i]Of course,[/i] I thought. [i]The storm must have sent them crawling back to wherever they came from.[/i] I pulled my hand cannon from my back and stepped tentatively through the hole. The SIVA kept the room surprisingly warm, but the sudden change in temperature made me uneasy. My eyes scanned the area, searching for activity, but found nothing. I crossed the room slowly, switching to my shotgun in case something leapt out at me. A smaller hole had been roughly hewn into the far wall, and I stepped through, senses sharp. More empty rooms awaited me, and I continued on through room after dark room. I soon found my way back outside, and instantly wished I had stayed lost.

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  • Good vocabulary, nice descriptions, okayish tension, definitely too short. My tip: take your time with each action. For example, the part about being in the building could be more elaborate. It's a fun story though, I'm certainly intrigued!

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    • Great Job dude. I'm excited to see you're next pieces.

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      • Pretty good. See you got the hang of some of the text features. Those will come in handy in making links. Nice start and good cliffhanger. Looking forward to seeing where this goes. Bump!

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        • Bump

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          • Great job! I agree with everything Cyborg said

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            • Edited by CyferX: 8/3/2017 5:15:32 AM
              You, are a great writer. Something I noticed immediately was your vocabulary and word flow. It got a little choppy at the end but for the most part, very smooth writing. I just have one bit of advice for you. As a general rule for dialogue, make sure you break lines every time a different character speaks. That's how it's done in actual novels and it helps the reader to more clearly understand who is doing the talking. Excellent start to your story! I can't wait to see where this goes. Glad to have you aboard here at the DFP

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