Recently we were approached by the curators of the Voynich manuscript if we could apply our powerful A.S.S.H.A.T (Anti Spin Super Hyper Advanced Translator) technology, and finally unlock its centuries old secrets and mystery’s! We like to take on odd jobs here and there at Startec Laboratories, even if they are unfortunately for charity. But to be completely honest we were slightly curious ourselves, as many people have tried and failed over the years unlocking its dark secrets. Would the ASSHAT finally meet its match and be added to the long list of fails?... Ha, ha no. It deciphered the Voynich manuscript in less than 10.8 seconds. So you must be wondering why haven’t you read about the translation in the more recent scientific research journals, or your favorite click bait internet site? Well it turns out the Voynich manuscript isn’t so much mysterious as actually pure SMUT! The Voynich manuscript chronicles the endeavors of a drug dealing Monk as he goes on a quest to create one of the most mind bending hallucinogens in the history of mankind. He then goes about throwing one of the craziest parties of the fifteenth century. And we’re talking about a party that could make Caligula blush. Obviously the curators were not happy about this and accused our ASSHAT of being incorrect, as they feared no one would care about a fifteenth century un-spooky drug manufacturing manual, and they might lose their funding, and grant money. But that’s OK, because we at Startec have already started experimenting with the various authors concoctions, and have patented several of them as “Natural Herbal Remedies”. We have more then made our time and money back. [quote] [i]“This week at Bungie we scouted the boundaries of the Plaguelands.”[/i][/quote] [b]Translation:[/b] I.E the Cosmodrome with Snow! [quote][i]“Clad in new armor and armed with new weapons, we retraced some of our first steps in the world of Destiny”[/i][/quote] [b]Translation:[/b] “Retraced doesn’t necessarily mean the same level but backwards…At least not yet” [quote][i]“While eerily familiar, those steps felt strange and new. The places we’ve fought to reclaim from our enemies have changed.”[/i][/quote] [b]Translation: [/b]“Even though technically walls are still content and we removed a bunch of them. We are still charging you $40 because we somehow consider this to be “new content” …Sound familiar? [quote][i]“The frontier is still wild. Evidence of a new threat has spilled over the borders where it thrives to shoot us in the face, so we shot back.”[/i][/quote] [b]Translation:[/b] “Re-skinned fallen = new threat = new content = $40 = Christmas bonus TADA! Besides we’ve given up on the Cabal, as giant space gophers/mole rats are just too 90’s and not hip enough for their own DLC. [quote][i] “And, we got to take a spin in a sweet new Sparrow.”[/i][/quote] [b]Translation: [/b]“Yours if you pre-order now!” *hint hint, wink wink* [quote][i] “If you want an Iron Gjallarwing of your own, earmark Rise of Iron for yourself before we launch it.”[/i][/quote] [b]Translation: [/b]“Of course you want it! This thing is totally Final Fantasy 16 X10!!! So forget that you never found a S-99 Dawn Chaser, and scrap that useless XV0 Timbreaker, as the new Gjallarwing literally now has Red Bull wings to fly past the competition. [quote] [i]“There are some retailers who can hook you up. Ask them if they participate in the offer. Your console store will work, too” [/i][/quote] [b]Translation:[/b] Does gamestop have its own annoying version of the Gjallarwing? Maybe it’s better to pre-order from Walmart. [quote][i] “and yes, my Xbox friends, you’ll have plenty of time to pre-order before this iron steed speeds off into the domain of legend and myth.”[/i][/quote] [b] Translation:[/b] Yes Xbox peasants can get the G-wing too. It will be all the other exclusive strikes and guns that will make you feel upset and inferior in the first few months. Don’t worry though, you’ll get them in a year after we have either nerfed them or you just don’t care about them anymore. [quote][i] “If you have already taken steps to secure your Iron Gjallarhorn, this baby is already waiting for you on the other side of September 20th. We have sweetened the deal!”[/i][/quote] [b]Translation: [/b]Preorders are way down so we are sweetening the deal by maybe giving out a emote… Hey what do you want from us? Remember the first time you preordered and got those crappy green guns that you couldn’t even break down for weapon parts? We’re trying our best here! [quote][i] “We have less than two months before the borders of the Plaguelands open to you. Before that incursion begins, there is much more to say about your next adventure. Next stop: gamescom! Our next Rise of Iron stream will come to you live from Germany.” [/i][/quote] [b]Translation:[/b] “Aber ironischerweise wird die Show nicht in deutscher Sprache abgefasst sein . Why? Because we won WW2, Ja ja ja Kek!… That or blame DeeJ for not speaking German. [quote][i]“We’ll crack open the new Crucible and show you what’s inside.”[/i][/quote] [b]Translation: [/b]Be prepared for more snow and less walls [quote] [i]“Once our show is over, we’ll hand our mobile streaming array over to the international community. They’ll show you what else we’re packing into our strange cargo. The conversation about Destiny is always better when it includes many points of view and many different languages.”[/i][/quote] [b]Translation: [/b]Here’s a list of all the European publications that are NOT on our media black list… I.E everyone but you Eurogamer! Luke Smith, still hasn’t gotten over the whole throw money at the screen thing, and it’s was your job to make us look good, and not well…Like Luke Smith. So enjoy the perma ban! [quote][i] “Bis denne!”[/i][/quote] Ha take that Google translate! Besides it’s not like anyone who actually speaks German knows it should be “Bis dann” right? [quote] [i]“On the seventh day of the seventh month, we celebrated the player. That’s how Bungie Day manifests outside the studio. Your achievements are immortalized. We highlight the amazing things you do. You’re invited to score some gear for yourself, and thus join our mission to make the world a better a place.”[/i][/quote] [b]Translation: [/b]Bungie day happened, but if you were too busy playing the new Halo and not Destiny you may have forgotten all about it. Shame on you! Please also remember to click on our links so you can buy one of our $190 dolls...err I mean uber collectible action figurine. [quote][i]“Once that party is over, Bungie Day serves a crucial purpose inside our studio. We come together as a team to unify around a vision for the future. We look forward, together, at the next things we’ll create for you to experience.”[/i][/quote] [b]Translation:[/b] A board meeting all employee’s must attend, but at least there might be cake. [quote][i] “If the Pentathlon is a chance to us to connect to each other as gamers, our version of Bungie Day is a chance for us to connect to each other as creators.”[/i][/quote] [b]Translation: [/b]Bungie day is not about you the Gamer, it’s all about us the Creators and how much we can stroke our own ego’s! [quote][i]“It’s a moment in our creative process that’s important enough for us to leave our studio and put on a proper show. We would have loved to have invited you, but that would have spoiled a world of surprises that wait for you down the path you’re exploring.”[/i][/quote] [b]Translation:[/b] Blah blah blah, We need “Me” time and you’re not invited. [quote][i]“We were thinking about you the whole time.”[/i][/quote] [b]Translation: *Warning*[/b] Never try to use that as an excuse to your Girlfriendto why you were on a date with another woman. Sudden accidental blood loss may occur. [quote][i] “Parsons wielded some legendary steel to knight our Newbies. Fresh blood is crucial for any community, including ours. Oaths are taken.”[/i][/quote] [b]Translation:[/b] This was just right before his speech how Bungie will be trimming the fat and laying some people off. Pretty sure DeeJ’s position is safe, but not so sure about Cozmo. [quote][i]“For Jason Jones, on the advent of his 25th Anniversary, we needed a new spectacle. Don’t worry. He survived the ritual.”[/i][/quote] [b]Translation: [/b]Don’t worry, no Goats were harmed during this ritual, that comes lat^%&%&…Opp’s I mean absolutely no Goats were harmed or will be harmed, it’s not we’re like those weirdo’s in marketing. [quote][i] “All week long, we’re plotting and scheming about the things you’ll experience on a long enough timeline. During every presentation, I sit and think “I can’t wait to show this to the community.” I’m auditioning presenters for future streams, friends. Today, I’m opening a slightly translucent window into our world. Over time, that window will become more transparent – and less pixelated. I can’t wait for that.”[/i][/quote] [b] Translation: [/b]I like to sit and think how can I spin something that bad into a positive from a negativeBut sometimes I do worry that they might not be stupid enough to fall for it, but fortunately then I remember that I’m mostly dealing with 12 year olds, and Adults who act like children. So if this was the 1960’s you’d all be smoking by now, because I’d had convinced you it’s the best cure for Communism. – DeeJ [quote][i]“The future is bright and hopeful, as it always is in Destiny.”[/i][/quote] [b] Translation: [/b]I’ve obviously never really played Destiny and have no idea what it’s really about. [quote] [i]“Hunters stalk the wilderness beyond the City, but they’ll also look dashing on a shelf in your game room.”[/i][/quote] [b]Translation:[/b] Yours for only a mere $190.00 US.!!!...Don’t be upset when you realize that if you hadn’t bought both the Hunter and the Warlock, you could have upgraded to a Xbox1, or Ps4 when you can no longer play Destiny come September.