[url=https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/198924974/0/0]Jacob's Stories Overview[/url] [b]So you're used to Jacob telling the stories...[/b] Yeah, right now he's trying to get rank five in Iron Banner. I got rank five one day ago. No I'm not going to carry you in Trials. It's only Thursday. I guess today is Friday. What did I do yesterday? Oh, I'm sorry. Got off on a tangent there. Which story do you want to hear? Oh these? They have an awesome story. One day, while I was eating a ham sandwich, Jacob comes and slaps it out of my hands. Did I crack his skull for doing that? Maybe. Nobody interrupts me while I'm eating a ham sandwich unless it's Cabal related. Or they get seriously f**ked up. What does this have to do with my maulers? I'm getting to it. Keep your exotic boots on before I shove this pair up your **s. Anyway, after b***h-ghost revived Nerd #1, I said, "Jacob, you know not to smack my ham sammich out of my hands!" He yelled, "It's Cabal-related!" "If you are going to drag me through the Valus Ta'aurc strike again with Caleb and Shelia, you're going to be the one that's Judo-flipped. This time on to a colossus!" Before you ask, Shelia isn't a guardian. Shelia is what Caleb calls his Suros Regime. "Shield Brothers Strike. Weekly Nightfall. We're doing it with Vince," Jacob replied, "Also ever since the Sunless Cell strike, Caleb refuses to board the Dreadnaught." "Let's get going. I have some Cabal **s to kick," I said. We landed on the Dreadnaught. Vince was waiting. I said hi, Vince said hi. Knuckles and Sonic, Vince's ghost, said hi to each other and then we were off and running. As we ran toward the Danatilion Exodus VI the Cabal were freaking out. Seriously, they dropped their slug rifles and ran for their lives. They know I'm a threat. We ran inside. All of the Cabal in there met my fists. Not a single one still standing. I see no interceptors though. I love those things. Yeah, the Cabal sent out a Goliath Tank. They knew they were screwed anyway. Right after the tank was visible Vince said, "It was at this moment the Skyburners knew, they f**ked up." I used my super, "It's hammertime!" The Goliath Tank was down quick. When I use Sunbreaker, all it takes is one Hammer to each leg. We ran on. Through each part of the ship to this one hallway in the Dreadnaught with fifty thousand tombs. Nerd #1 was scared as the Cabal was of me. Nerd #2 was fascinated. Meanwhile, I was telling Nerd #2 to hurry up or I'll leave his spine crushed on the Dreadnaught, We found the Dreadnaught's core. Knuckles scanned the core and said, "I didn't think they'd leave the core inta- Oh, bombs. It's covered in bombs. I'll disarm them." Sonic floated forward, "Knuckles, I think Punchgirl should give me a chance to do something. She could practically solo Nightfall this week." Sonic disarmed the bombs. Yeah, Valus Mau'ul showed up. The nerds cleared the adds. I One-shot the Valus. Wimp. Rockets McD**kface Junior showed up and said, "You killed my brother. Now Skyburner Thanksgiving is ruined. Die mothaf**ka!" He picked me up the neck, aimed his Arc-Cannon at my face. I cocked my fists, reeled my head back, summoned my fading light, and [b]Bam![/b] I annilated the Valus's skull, with a beat from my own and my Iron Fists. Nobody can beat the Dreaded Triple Fists of Jade Thalia Laney. That's the only way you'll ever hear my middle name. I found a purple engram. When I collected it, I was smiling. Mau'ul's Maulers. So I put them on. Vince saw me and said, "She earned them." Next time anyone asks who would win in a fight between me the the Cabal Emperor. It's obvoius who will win: Me.