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Destiny

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Edited by Kohaku Koi: 9/14/2015 10:56:53 PM
33

CONFIRMED: OMOLON is working on a NEW EXOTIC

A response to a letter from a Guardian with a complaint about our new prototype Crucible sniper rifle and it's astonishing time-to-kill. Because we value transparency in our relationship with our stakeholders, we are publishing his original letter, along with our reply: [quote]Dear Omolon, I have tested your sniper rifle. I suggest you scrap this project and stick to fusion rifles. Quite frankly, your sniper rifle stinks Sincerely, Sargetc [/quote] Dear Sargetc, Thank you for your feedback regarding your testing of our new crucible sniper rifle prototype, internally referred to as "Project Shitpile". We here at Omolon take pride in our ability to bring barely-lethal weapons to market, fulfilling our founder, my dear father, Ronald "Big Ron" Omolon's dream to fill the battlefields of this universe with wounded, maimed, suffering, and near-dead soldiers. We understand your frustration with this particular rifle, and we have received similar feedback from thousands of other test guardians. Keep on talking, we are listening! Most of the complaints we have received thus far have concerned the "time to kill" ability of the weapon, and we agree,[i] this thing kills much too quickly[/i]. We are working diligently to further slow the velocity of rounds (which, as you likely know, are miniature marshmallows) because we understand this weapon has been killing guardians in as few as two head shots. Big Ron Omolon would be spinning in his grave if he weren't so fat. And if he was dead. He's not. He's actually sitting right here, eating some mini marshmallows. Please bear with us as we strive to further nerf our weapons. In the mean time, please prepare to test our next prototype on Wednesday, lovingly named "Fluff Cannon 300x". It's a small pink slingshot that fires...you guessed it...cotton balls!!!! (We wanted it to fire mini marshmallows but Big Ron has diverted all future marshmallow shipments to his home address.) The time to kill will be truly amazing on these suckers. We look forward to a continued working relationship and as always, will be listening to your feedback. Sincerely, DeeeJ Omolon (No relation to DeeJ) [i]Credit to Sargetc for his original letter and inspiration for this parody :). Here is his post https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/153430628/0/0[/i]

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  • Edited by ABefuddledLion: 9/15/2015 1:41:34 AM
    We at Omolon R&D must say thank you DeeeJ Omolon. You have inspired us to redesign our nerf guns so that they are that much more dart-tastic. It us with great enthusiasm that we tease the much awaited "Omolon Pre-nerfed Nerfer". It will be available from Xur this Friday for the small price of 80 strange coins. Now before you say "that can't possibly be enough for such a fantastic nerfer" there's some things you should know; 1. The Pre-Nerfed Nerfer is all set for your treks into the crucible. Each shot will shout out "IM NOT HARMFUL" before colliding gently with your intended target. 2. We have test fired this weapon against level 4 and 5 guardians and they said the after-hit tickles from the "bullets" were wonderful. 3. We found that the best way to make this weapon the most effective was to have it have a 10 minute time limit of use that automatically disconnects you from the Destiny Servers. 4. Once you have been disconnected, it will delete all your characters so that you will be able to replay the splendour that is Destiny in its all encompassing glory We hope that you, master DeeeJ Omolon, are as splendiforously titilated by this nerfer as we are. And we know that all guardians will love the nine minute time to kill this offers Thank you again Vagina P Pussywhipped Jr Senior nerf herder for Omolon R&D

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