Listen. Lis--*slaps across face* [b]Listen[/b], dammit! This is really -blam!-ing important, and if you don't pay attention, you'll become, well, [i]me[/i]. Okay... To start, when you're 14, a boy who kinda looks like a groundhog (you'll see what I mean) will invite you to a house party. His name is John Michael. When you get to this house party, it is absolutely [i]crucial[/i] that you smack down, with extreme prejudice, the nearest lamp that you see. As soon as you gaze upon your target, charge it like you would if it were that kid Eric, after finding out that he fornicated and pornicarted your mom without the proper permit and license. Let the angst be apparent on your face, as you limply flail your arm at it, seemingly with great effort. Once it hits the ground and makes a buzzing sound, everyone will look at it in confusion, and then at you, in a proportionate level of confusion. At this point, you squat down so that your ass is nearly touching the floor. Spread your knees apart, and tuck your arms between your legs. Awkwardly waddle towards the mass of teenagers while softly saying "you'll never see me coming." Once you're about three feet from that kid, Bert, lean back on one foot, and hastily extend your other leg, sending your sandal'd foot into his left shin. He'll fall to the ground in pain, and as everyone is checking on him, get up and sprint to the kitchen with an exaggerated sense of urgency and determination to retrieve a spoon from the counter. Leave the house in the same fashion you entered the kitchen, shouting "[b]I just wanna see my cat![/b]" Once outside, you can finally begin your walk home, but make sure to spit in the trusty spoon you've obtained. Now, fast forward two years; you're now 18. A girl will ask you if you'd like to hang out with her at the park. You [i]will[/i] accept her offer. Upon traveling to the agreed location, crawl into a bush and wait for her to arrive. Take the spoon that you retrieved from that party two years ago out of your pocket, and hold it in your hand. Your spit is nothing but a dried, white crust at the base of the spoon now. When she finally shows up, she will look around for you. At some point, she'll give up and take out her phone to text you. This is when you slowly extend your arm, with spoon in hand, straight up into the air from inside the bush. You can wave it around if you find pleasure in this act. Once you get her attention, she will hesitantly walk over to the bush. Slowly stand straight up, with an eager grin on your face. Side-step out of the bush towards her. When you get closer, she will begin to ask why you were in the bush. Stop her mid-sentence by mushing her lips closed with the index and middle fingers of your left hand. Present your spoon to her. When she takes it and confusedly looks at it, slowly cartoon-sneak away. As you're leaving, say "you'll remember me," in a sly tone of voice. After a few moments, she'll have a grand epiphany. She will also spit into the spoon, but she will have had just eaten Doritos so her saliva will be kinda orange-y. She will cherish this spoon forever, and you two will later get married. Just never wash that spoon, okay?