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Destiny

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Edited by Jasondurgen: 6/22/2015 5:23:45 AM
1

The Ochman Hunt - Chapter 5

The Ochman Hunt Chapter 4 - https://www.bungie.net/ko/Forum/Post/127924924/0/0 --------------------------------------------------- [i]Chapter 5 -[/i] An Evil Truth Three hours had went by since the end of the battle. Still no sign of Serenity anywhere. I walked all around the seemingly endless room we all lived in, and saw nothing but Lost Guardians. That's what I've taken to calling them now. The Lost. They don't seem to be human anymore. Many of their eyes look almost reptilian-like, and have never heard one talk before. Not once did I. So, a new title for them only seemed too fitting. With no hope left in me for her survival, I found my bed and decided to sleep the rest of the night away. Or was it day time? Is there even a daylight cycle where I'm at? Who knows. All I knew is that I was stuck in here with no way to escape. So, away I slept, hoping when I awoke, Serenity would be there waiting. Or at least some kind of good news about her. A few hours later, I was awoken by a Fallen Archon Priest, who grabbed me by my throat and held me in air over my bed. I struggled to free myself from its clutch, but it was too strong. My gear was on the floor next to my bed, so I could not fight back much either. Moments later, I heard the sound of a man talking to someone or something. I tried to look around as much as I could to find out who it was. But I couldn't move my neck much, so it was difficult. The mans voice slowly got louder and appeared to be coming from behind me. "Take Virkris and Remiks-56 to the outer layers. Favos Ta'aurc should be gettin' finished sweepin' the inner layers and that little asshole couldn't be that far out yet. And hey, when you find her, bring her directly to me. If you don't find her, don't bother comin' back here. Got it?" It began to sound like the man over the intercom for the arena, but I wasn't too sure. After he finished talking, I heard swift footsteps hitting the floor, getting fainter and fainter as whatever it was ran away. The man finally reached me, and when I saw him, it struck me with awe. He wore Guardian Titan armor, but didn't seem like a Guardian at all. It was all, every part of it, painted the blackest of black. You couldn't even see the reflection of the light that shined down from the old lamps dangling above us. He seemed to have an old, metal chain wrapped around his chest diagonally. He also had human skulls tied and knotted together, which hung from his belt and composed his left shoulder piece, like trophies. Along with that, he had a mangle of tied bones on his right shoulder that protruded up and outwards away from him, that formed like a kind of large spike. The armor looked worn, but heavy. His gauntlets had small spikes on the outside, which actually looked like the teeth of some creature. I noticed he had two hand cannons, one on either side of his thighs. This guy was crazy, looked crazy and he probably meant business. "Hey there, pal. Rough mornin' it seems," he said, sarcastically. "What do you want you piece of shit?" I clearly hated his guts. What can I say? He tried to kill me. I'm not going to like him for it. He gave a hand motion to the Archon Priest who then clenched his hold on me even more, to the point where I couldn't breathe. The man began to speak again. "You listen to me and you listen good, D*ckhead. This here priest? Yeah, I know him. Great guy. He doesn't take too kindly to Guardians. And you might as well be the failed product a Guardian could become, so I guess that's somethin', huh? Your little friend you made in here? 'Member her? Yeah, that's right. The asshole. You're goin' to tell all about her and where she said she was goin', and I won't have him rip your little testicles off. You dig?" He gave another motion to the priest who then released his tight grip, but didn't let me down completely. At least I could breathe again. Even though it feels like my organs are just a bunch of pancakes now. "What do you mean? I just met her last night! And I only had maybe five minutes to talk to her! What could she have possible told me," I screamed with anger and frustration. "YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT SHE COULD'VE TOLD YOU! I'll give you one last chance to explain ya'selfs. If you refuse or fail to comply, you're done. Understand, meat," he asked. "Listen, I swear I have no idea what you're talking about! And even if I did..." I was interrupted by the man. "No no no no no no no, see, this is what you ain't supposed to do. I already told you what would happen if you didn't tell the truth so now, priest? Would you please?" The priest reared his hand up smashed me against the bed, snapping it in half. I tried to roll off of the now-broken bed but the priest grabbed me by my foot and threw me against the wall where my monitor sat behind. I went to stand up to defend myself but I felt a crack in my chest. I was pretty sure it had broke a few of my ribs. Maybe even more than just ribs. It made me just collapse back to the ground. The priest approached me and was about to stab me with his shock sword, but suddenly, something jumped on the priest and began to stab it in the face. Within seconds, the creature fell to the ground, blood pouring out of the gashes on its face. "Nex, get out of here! I'll hold'em off! GO!" I recognized that voice. It was Serenity! I wanted to stay behind to make sure she got out herself, but I was in no condition to fight. With many broken bones in my chest, and being incredibly difficult to even stand up, I grabbed my scout rifle from the ground with one clip in it, placed it on my back, and made as much of a jog as I could in the direction she came from. Seconds after I began to run, I heard the sound of that same hand cannon, Serenity's hand cannon, rapidly fire off six more shots, which was followed by the sound of two hand cannons being fired in return. I looked back while running to see what was happening, and saw the strange man and Serenity battling it out in hand-to-hand combat. I couldn't fight the urge anymore. I quickly turned around, pulled up my scout rifle as much as I could, locked on to the mans head, and made one pull of my trigger. The bullet flew from the barrel straight to his head. He never moved a muscle, and he had to have heard my weapon fire. But just before the bullet made contact with him, in that short split of a second, something tall, black, and slender teleported in front of him and took that bullet straight to its head instead. It let out a loud, ear-piercing shriek, afterwards and immediately darted for me. I have no idea what it was, but I didn't hesitate to turn around and run away from it as best I could. I tripped and stumbled as I weaved in out of the aisles of beds, trying to put distance and obstacles between me and that thing. But nothing seemed to be working. I attempted to jump over one of the beds instead of running around it to gain more distance but I accidentally tripped and fell to the ground. I couldn't get up fast enough, and soon, that thing was over top of me, glaring me down with its vibrant yellow eyes. It picked me up from the ground and clutched me harder than the priest did. If I didn't die by a bullet or broken neck, God help me if I'm to die because of these things just squeezing the life out of me. It gave a loud shriek to my face before it went to take a bite out of me. Just as its jaw was about to close on my head, I heard the man scream from behind it. "Xivilax, stop!" The creature retracted its head and closed its mouth, huffing out of its two-holed nose as if it was an animal. It turned around with me still in its hand, and I saw the man holding Serenity over his shoulders, as if she was unconscious. "What did you do to her? Answer me, you ass! I'll kill you! You hear me?! You and this freak, Xivilax, or whatever you called him! You're dead to me," I screamed, determined kill them both. "Yeah yeah, whatever, kid. I've heard those same things before. Some actually from the Guardians you see 'round you right now." I looked around only to see that there were no Lost around me. None at all. Where could they have gone? "What Guardians," I asked. "Well, I guess they're not here right now... At least all but one ain't here. Meet Xivilax, First Born. The first Guardian to meet the wrath of our Plague King... Don't worry ya little head, Guardian. Oryx will get you soon enough," spoke the man while he motioned for Xivilax to approach him. Did he just say Oryx? A Hive God? And what does the Plague King mean? I fear for the worst. Something bad is coming. I can feel it. I looked down at the man who was now standing right below me, looking at the face of Serenity. He was definitely the man on the intercom. "And maybe your friend here will get the same treatment, who knows. One things for sure, I got something good planned for the both of you." The man then pulled up one of his hand cannons and hit my upside the head with the barrel, disorienting me. "Xivilax, take these kids up to the arena. Get'em ready for tonight," said the man, as I was being taken away with Serenity to who knows where. I just want this nightmare to end already... -----Chapter 6 https://www.bungie.net/ko/Forum/Post/132362181/0/0

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  • I can see a lot of improvement in structure, style, and grammar in your writing, however, there are still a few mistakes. Using punctuation in your quotation marks for your dialogue. Most of it is correct but I saw a few areas. [quote]"Understand, meat," he asked.[/quote] Using terminal punctuation in dialogue can be confusing at times. Whenever you end a speech with he said, she said, or some other form of showing that the person just spoke, you use a comma at the end of the sentence, which you do in most cases. "If you'll just wait five seconds, I'll show you where she went," the boy said in fear. Anything relating to an action or some other sentence that doesn't involve he said, she said, ends in a period. "Don't try to talk your way out of this, it's not going to work." The man was tall and had a strange air about him. Now, back to the above sentence I pulled from your story. You used a comma at the end, because you ended the sentence with "he asked." Since he is asking a question, you would use a question mark instead of the comma. "Understand, meat?" he asked. Hope this helps! Can't wait to read the rest of the chapters!

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