Gaming is almost therapeutic for me. I overcame a terrifying substance addiction a few (when I say a few, it's been around 4~5 years) years ago, but the aftermath had been somewhat traumatizing due to the extreme inability to concentrate on even the simplest tasks, inability to socialize due to severe anxiety and paranoia, and inability to be productive like I once was before. One day, while I was out and about "high", something suddenly snapped in me. A very unsettling feeling came over me, and I felt as if everyone was watching me and listening to my thoughts. Unfortunately, this was the beginning of hell on earth for me. I thought this would subside after I went to sleep, but when I woke up it had only become worse. A drug induced schizophrenia had manifested, and I didn't even realize what was happening at the time. My paranoia had me so delusional that I actually thought I was communicating with another person. The first few months "it" seemed friendly, but as time grew on the voice became very violent. I hid this from anyone as best I could for months, since I had been hospitalized several times prior due to mental health issues from the substances, and did not want to go back. My weird behavior gave it away eventually I suppose, I know for fact I had to be saying some pretty weird things or showing rather bizarre body language. I had been to about 4 or 5 different Psychologists, and ended up always switching because I did not like them. The new Psychologist I ended up going to forced me to try several different kinds of anti-psychotics along with various other medicines that I absolutely dreaded taking. I already did not feel like myself because of everything that I had been experiencing, but now I had to take these meds ontop on everything, which had severe side effects on me such as uncontrollable stuttering and tachycardia to the point where I was walking around restlessly for more hours during the day then being able to sit still. It's sad to say that for years, my favorite time of each day would be when I was sleeping. I wouldn't have to deal with any bullshit: the nonstop sensation to feel like walking back and forth endlessly from the meds; the 24/7 voice in my head spouting endless kinds of insanity and paranoia conspiracies, the lack of trust of anyone and feeling to just want to be alone. To this day, I still believe those meds the doctor prescribed did nothing but make the situation worse. The side effects made everything intensify on a whole different level. I was tired of doing nothing but sleeping all day. I was clinically depressed you could say, I only got out of bed to smoke cigarettes, eat, and shower. That was my life for a few years. I needed something to ease my mind. I wanted to game so badly again, but I lacked the concentration and what seemed like the "interest" I needed to play for more than 10 minutes. I kept forcing myself to play short periods of mobile games. Eventually I became a mobile game addict, and I once again enjoyed having a hobby. Even though I had to constantly deal with all of those horrible things still while playing, it took my mind away from them for a while and every single second helped me. I started socializing on some of these games, made a few buddies that I would play with regularly, but we considered each other friends even though we only played mobile games together. It was nice having "friends" to communicate with again besides that -blam!-ing evil sound that was in my head. Overtime, I began to see big improvements. While they really were small changes, I consider them HUGE because I started to have hope, hope that I would become "normal" again one day. I had began to feel unexplainably better at this time. I even managed to give up cigarettes for good, which I had been attempting to do for years at this point. The Schitzophrenia was starting to subside as well, but it still lingered there from time to time. I asked my Psychologist if I could try stopping the medication at this point, every time I asked prior to this he would say no. He thought I was well enough to give it an attempt, but he did not recommend I should do this. While I respected his reasoning, I immediately gave up the meds. One day one of my mobile gaming buddies and I butted heads, he said some pretty offensive things about a very sensitive subject at the time. It's like I was betrayed for the first time all over again; and it hurt. I lost motivation to play any of those games anymore fearing I would run into that person or our mutual friends. I told myself it would be best to stay clear from him and anyone that knew him, just so I wouldn't have to deal with questions about what happened between us and could avoid any unnecessary drama. I took this as a lesson "re"-learned to be careful who I consider friends. The long gaming sessions must have brought ease to my mind and the paranoia and conspiracy theories were no longer existent at this point, which was literally a miracle. Being able to relax and not think everyone was out to get me was a gift from heaven. I wasn't interested in mobile games anymore at this point. I wanted to get back to console gaming like I use to long ago. Playstation 4 was about to come out in a few months, I asked my family for one for a Birthday present. Sure enough, even though everywhere was back ordered and not accepting pre-orders, they magically surprised me with one on my Birthday. Thankfully the Schitzophrenia was gone for good shortly after I got my PS4. I began gaming hardcore and enjoying every moment of it. It felt like gaming for the first time all over again, as if I flashed back as child in the 90s. Everything was falling back into place like I had once dreamed years ago. Sure, there were still issues I was dealing with, but the good was starting to outweigh the bad. Stopping the medication was a risky judgement but it had to be one of the best decisions I think I decided to make. I'm not sure if they exactly ever helped me, maybe they did and I do not realize it. The only things I noticed from the meds were the side effects and having those disappear brought joy to me. After playing CoD online to the point of boring myself, I started looking into trophy hunting. This really intrigued me; this almost seemed like a productive way to play games. I don't know if this will make sense to anyone, but hunting trophies has taught me how to put effort into tasks again. It reminded me that if I put the effort into something, I will be rewarded with something afterwards. Every trophy I hunt down now is a symbol of dedication and improvement to myself. It shows how far I've come to doing nothing but sleeping in a bed for several years. Gaming, along with music and exercising, are my only hobbies currently. I only have one friend in actual real life, who goes way back with me. She is the only person I trust; everyone else I use to hang out with are not the types of people I would ever consider being around ever again. Gaming is how I socialize. I'm taking baby steps learning how to make friends again via games, I'm learning how to properly communicate with strangers again via games. Gaming is how I work towards being productive. I really believe trophy hunting is the reason I started doing even the smallest productive tasks again, such as taking care of things around the house or running and lifting weights. It filled me with determination that I had lost long ago. And gaming is how I relax and pass time. Like I said, I don't have many hobbies at all right now, or friends. It's a bit embarrassing to admit it, but gaming means a lot to me currently. In summary, I guess gaming is one of my main sources of therapy. Eventually my sessions will have to be cut down dramatically. But for now, I'm enjoying every second of it. I'm not going to rush myself back out into situations I'm not ready to handle. I'm focussing on fixing my social anxiety currently, as this seems to be the only thing holding me back to getting "out" more often and meeting new people. I need to figure out what I plan to go back to college for, what college I want to attend, and what job I would like to pursue. I need new friends, and more hobbies. But this will all come in time. I never expected to be "normal" again, and it's a miracle I am. It's a miracle I quit the hardest drugs and substances on the face of the earth by myself, it's miracle I'm physically and mentally healthy again, and it's a miracle I'm still alive. I experienced 4~5 years of side-effects from drug abuse, and have only felt normal for a very short amount of time. I'm in no rush to complicate things! I will enjoy this "vacation", and when the time is right I'll be back out there. But for now I will enjoy the simple things in life ;). Thanks in advance for reading my story, and I hope my answer helps with your project. ~Songs