As someone who is going through similar things (though to a lesser degree) I'll say this. Unfortunately you're not going to be able to get the help you need from an internet forum. If you feel like there is no one in your life you can talk to about this, you need to see a psychiatrist/psychologist to work through these things. However by admitting to your issues you've already made the first & most important step. Follow through & you will feel better. Trust me, I was seriously depressed for many years. Eventually it got to the point where I had to take a leave of absence from college to deal with it, but it forced me to seek help for this problem. I'm finally starting to see a change. It's a long process but it's worth it.