Thanks for taking the time to edit---good catches! Keep in mind, though, that both parts of this were narrated. The beginning was a direct quote, and the body was styled as though being recounted by memory---people generally [i]don't[/i] speak with perfect grammar. Ikora's part was meant to sound like Ikora. The body was meant to sound like someone who was perhaps a little 'off' thinking back on something that sort of traumatized them. This isn't to say that grammatically perfect writing can't convey voice. Often though, that restricts the narrative to the [i]author[/i] delivering the imagery because it would stand to reason that the author---intending for this to be read---would be so careful. Someone just spouting off something they saw, or speaking on a topic when prompted, isn't going to be as careful. Things like 'ether'? That was just me -blam!-ing up. Ikora's weird phrasing was intentional. She might have gone back and said it better with a second run through, yaknow? But she didn't get two runs, she got quoted the first time. I [i]really[/i] try to get in the heads of the characters, into the situations their in, so that reactions and dialogue make sense. Clumsy wording and all. Good example is "...that [with] which...". 'With which' is obviously correct. But I've heard, in a certain region of the world, people commonly skip necessary words like that. [i]Verbally[/i]. They don't do it in text. Isn't that wild? Language/dialect is fun to study. Even more fun to incorporate into fiction to liven things up. You're an excellent editor, so keep your eyes on things! I've written other things scattered around this site, there's a novel I'm starting, and if you're willing to offer your feedback I'd like that very much. We can nerd out and talk grammar and common speech patterns. It'd be a good time. Stay awesome, ~Ricochet