Tales of the Nar-pocalypse

{In the voice of Keanu Reeves} I watched from afar the narwhals who destroyed my homeland. They ravished our city within minutes. The navy didn't stand a chance, for these were Japanese narwhal. Made gargantuan by the radiation of Fukishima, and filled with special powers. The one they called Nup-Nup was the most fearsome of the group and commanded the most respect. With a blast of his Narwhal horn, he destroyed the entire fleet within minutes. He then commanded his speeder Narwhals to impale the submarines. They fed off the nuclear power plants within the subs to gain a boost to their already awe inducing power. The sonic waves coming off their horns shattered the coast with a cacophony of destruction. The villagers bones were instantly turned into jelly. They resembled jelly fish that washed ashore and were helpless on the sand. The hungry Narwhal then proceeded to devour their limp bodies like shucked oysters. The slurping sound they made will haunt me in my dreams forever and into eternity. Thankfully though I saw a dark shape on the horizon. When the shadow approached the Narwhal tucked tail and ran back towards deep water. While I was drifting in and out of consciousness, I could feel the dark figure standing over me. He picked me up and took me to a ship of the likes i have never seen before. With every ounce of strength i mustered, "Who are you..." He replied, "Xur. I will take you to the last haven in this world... and when you are ready, I will show you how to exact vengeance upon the Narwhal who took your family..." And when I awoke in the tower, I was ready for my training to begin.