-
Another submission, kept anonymous as requested. [spoiler]When i was younger, I went through some Very intense situations. I had always wanted to be one of the baddest dudes i worked with. I was a private contractor. And i Was a badass. I was put in with this company of men because my father was a higher up. But in his eyes, and everyones, i was the youngster who had to prove himself. And so i always volunteered for the most dangerous/ difficult situations. Put myself at the front of the violence and chaos. This went on for years. Me trying to prove myself to my elders and everyone i worked with i was capable of shouldering the burden. That i could function in such a chaotic environment. This was not the place for the faint of heart. I saw more violence and death than most can fathom. Before i knew it. I was getting older. I was no longer that guy kicking the door in, i was the one telling people where to go and what to do. Every time i came home. To the family events. Hanging out with friends. I never belonged. I was "tainted". I felt i did NOT belong here with all this "happiness" I was supposed to be in the shit. Where i belonged. My father once told me that the difference between me and him was that while i was " ballsy enough to kick a door in and kill someone. He was smarter because he would just cut a check" I once tried to talk to my mother. Her response was "If you cant handle it dont do it" She was right, but i HAD to prove myself. It was who i was. And prove myself i did. Over time i became depressed. When i was young, i thought for sure, i would be dead by them time i hit 21. Then it became id be dead by the time i was 25. I didnt belong in safety. The niceties of life were not for the likes of me. I belonged in the mud. The jungles. The chaos was where i thrived. That was where I, felt comfortable. I could not fit in at home. Noone could understand me. Thats what i always told myself. Noone could understand my path through life. The things I had done, I always tried to justify it. "People just live in their bubble world" while i lived in the "real" one. I didnt want to be alive. I was sick of being called a mercenary. Even my military friends couldnt reach me. I wanted to just enlist, go special forces, and die for my country. Because then my family would be able to be proud of me. I had a close friend commit suicide. Another died . And another. I was at the breaking point. I couldnt do this anymore. I took a year off from work. From life. I went to my families beach house. All i did was fish and row around. Relaxing. Completely unplugged. It took me that entire year to slow down my inner rage. To quiet the anger that was so defining of me. I had done things that most wont ever know or understand. But i came to peace with my journey through life. I got back into the business, with a condition that i no longer be involved in operations, and that i move into office side of things. While it is still a struggle sometimes. I no longer scream in my sleep. I actually SLEEP. more than 3-4 hours at a time as was my habit before this hiyatis. And Sleep, Is So AMAZING. And while many can never take that much time off work, i was fortunate to have made so much money leading up to my collapse i was able to do so. I got back into video games. Which were always a Disconnect for me. It allowed me to live in another world. Not mine. And i have to say, I love , getting my Nerd on. Im now soon to be engaged. Living life, Enjoying. Life. Because Life i realized, Is Amazing. Life is Always worth living. No matter how difficult it is in the moment, or has been. The future, is always there. On the Horizon for us to seize. So get out there, Live life. Because its the only one we get.[/spoiler]