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originally posted in:The Black Garden
Edited by drumandstep: 11/14/2013 12:09:18 AM
2

Gray Prologue

He stood there, looking out over the last city, a content look over his face. “So this is what the human race is up to.” He chuckled to himself softly. His deep voice was slightly hoarse, like someone hadn’t had a drink of water in a couple of hours. He cleared his throat. Looking at his hand, which was now enveloped by a light blue mist, he clenched his fist. He jumped down from the ledge on the center building he was poised upon. “Stop! Only personnel with level 7 access can be up here!” Said a security guard that was stumbling toward him. “Ha ha, yeah, sorry.” “You know what I have to do, sir.” “Really now? You’re going to try and arrest me? I’m sorry for rules I broke that I didn’t know about.” “Sir, everyone knows about the rules, it’s posted all around the city like the other announcements” The guard mumbled something about backup into his shoulder. There was a pause for a few moments as they stared at each other. He broke the silence with: “I apologise for upsetting you, but I really must be going” He started sprinted toward the ledge about 50 yards ahead of him. “Wait! No!” The world seemed to move slower as the warlock silently saluted the guard and he jumped headfirst off the 40 story building. ************** Thoughts were racing through his head. “Why am I here?” “Where is everyone I know?” “What has happened from then and now?” He slid his hand across the side of the glass windows lining the building, when it started to rain. His tears were ripped from the side of his head. His only thought before clearing his mind to use his upgraded powers, was “Why now?” ************* And he woke up. His bed was soaked with sweat and tears. He knew he couldn’t sleep again. Now this 18 year old, black haired, blue eyed warlock was different than anyone else. He wasn’t born of this age, in fact, he was put into cryosleep after he witnessed his friends be struck down by a force they could not handle. Gray, his name, had this dream almost every other night, haunting him for the past month he had been awoken. He didn’t know who released him, but he the facility he was housed in was in shambles, a quarter inch of water covering the floor of its entirety. He had continued to live in his prison, free from any outsiders that would have stumbled into his home, as he was one of the only ones who could navigate the labyrinth that was the city underground. He grabbed his pulse rifle, “Lance”, out from the battered weapons locker and put on his trench coat. He never wore a helmet. “I wonder what’s on the request board today?” He wondered. Gray had set up and underground request board for guil -ahem- factions to have their problems solved. Problems that the government could do nothing about. They usually consisted of taking out leaders of small fallen groups or a rogue hive extermination job. Dead Orbit comes to him for their really dirty jobs. He approached the rusty message board, some of the yellow paint flaking off as he swooped around to face the papers of assorted colors. “What do we have today…” He muttered. “Hey Gray! Any good jobs today?” “Eh.” He grunted. “There aren’t a lot. You found something to do? You always look at the board for a few hours and never end up doing anything.” Gray’s head jumped to one of his old friends before he was put into stasis. “Hey, you ok? I, um, got a notification the other day about a job uncovering old files from an abandoned server room. It’s been untouched for years it said.” “So?” “So, I thought you might want to do this one. I’ve heard rumours that you’ve [i]been in stasis[/i].” “Where did you hear that?!” Gray barked. “I might tell you if you go on this job. I don’t feel like doing it.” “Typical. Alright I’ll do it. so who’s this guy who’s been giving out info?” “Thanks dude! I’ll uh catch you later!” The guardian yelled as he ran off. “For God’s sake! Ugh- I guess I [i]have[/i] to do this now.” He sighed. ************* “This is the place.” The warlock said as he stepped over a charred piece of scrap metal. It was dusk. [i]This looks too, iron-ish, to me.[/i] He thought. A ruined city in the western hemisphere, this town was made of stone, strange cracks, perfectly straight, lining the old roads of demolished buildings. The structure he was facing had large iron pillars constructing it, giving it a messy, not polished, an incomplete look to it. Bits of scraped metal ran from the top, as if something had tried to bite it, or rip it off. Gray walked inside, a blank look on his face. With a grim expression he looked upon a skeleton kneeling on the ground. The bone of its right arm transforming into metal. It rested on the ground and morphed into it. Confidently walking over to a bar on the left side of the room, He pulled a broken bottle off the shelf, and the cabinet next to him creaked open. He clenched his fist as he walked through the small opening, emitting a light blue glow that illuminated his way through the dark cobweb-ridden corridor. He stepped over another skeleton, wearing a red dress. He entered a large open room to find a small computer blinked in the corner. He plugged the old flash drive into a spare USB port in the computer next to the dust covered monitor. >$Attempting Login >$Login Successful >$Welcome, Master A shabby desktop appeared on the screen. A lone notification was left there on the monitor. 1 new video log. Gray opened it. The muffled sound of screams and explosions was the first bit that he heard. Familiar voices all crying out in pain, for help. “If you’re hearing this, it’s a while later. I put you asleep, I couldn’t bear to see you go. I-” Said a figure on the monitor. A single tear streamed down from the warlock's face. “I’ll always remember you, until the day I die.” The voice on the other side of the screen wavered. "I guess it was the haircut." The woman on the monitor gave a weak laugh. “I’m a crier I know, but I want to let you know, after this short recording is finished the system will be activated. You know what to do. I always loved yo-” The footage cut off. All there was was a grainy filter and a buzz. He was crying now. His fists clenched tightly. Hair covering his upper face. The ground began to rumble. He glided outside after he calmed himself. A look of grief, depression and sorrow was stuck on his face. The crumbled city around him had lifted. He walked through the new pathway with long heavy steps. Gray stopped at the opening to another very large, open room. There it was. The symbol. The graphic he had served all of his life. The emblem of a lost faction. And his companion. The one from the video. Lying there. Dead. And there he wept. For a very long time. You guys like it? I can write more if so. P.S. I like constructive criticism. If you have any, it's really appreciated.

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  • Am I the only one that feels like there were some continuum issues here? The dude in the town knew him on a casual basis it seemed, yet the computer was apparently really old, and the video was made right after he was put into stasis and I'm confused. I'm probably overthinking it. Also it could be a bit longer

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    • Alright I think the story is pretty good so I've only got [i]construction[/i] criticism. These are all simply my interpretations. [quote]The guard mumbled something about backup into his shoulder. There was a pause for a few moments as they were staring at each other.[/quote] Recommendation: "as they stared at each other" [quote]The world seemed to move slower as the warlock silently saluted the guard as he jumped headfirst off the 40 story building.[/quote] I'd recommend replacing "as he" with "and." [quote]The structure he was facing had large iron pillars constructing it, giving it a messy, not polished, an incomplete look to it. Bits of scraped metal ran from the top, as if something had tried to bite it, or rip it off.[/quote] Hmm the statement is a bit redundant "messy, not polished" and somewhat contradicts the pervious statement "strange cracks, perfectly straight, lining the sides of demolished buildings" [quote]He looked grim as he glanced at a skeleton, kneeling on the ground. It’s right arm, pushed down onto the floor, its bone transforming into metal. It rested on the ground and morphed into it. [/quote] Some commas you might not need. "With a grim expression he looked upon a kneeling skeleton. The bone of its right arm transforming into metal as it pushed on the floor." (extra bit the ' is not needed if "its" is for possession but is needed for contractions "it is, it has") [quote]There, he entered a large open room. A small computer blinked in the corner.[/quote] This doesn't quite flow I'd suggest "He entered the large, open room to find a small computer blinking in the corner." The notification should probably [i]appear[/i] on the screen not jump. [quote]A single tear streamed down from his face. . . She gave a weak laugh. [/quote] Hmm who exactly? You didn't identify the speaker in the video so I believe you meant Gray for both of these lines. Final bit; I encourage you to continue Gray's story.

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