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originally posted in:The Black Garden
Edited by Drumm1ng An1mal:
4/22/2013 2:33:10 AM
4
Lilyanna Ara's Destiny
Please forgive any mispellings and give feedback so i can make the next chapter better.
"Edit" I changed it from Saturn to its moon Titan i pictured it haveing a somewhat foresty area whether it be of ice or actually land i'm just trying to make it better and easily readable.
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1 ReplyHas the next one come out, or no?
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Edited by Queztlis: 4/22/2013 2:19:02 PM...I read it.... And it definitely has the potential to be great. Its good. But it would make way more sense to change the Saturn thing into maybe a moon of some other planet would make it more believable, also add another regiment to your group so far it seems you have 3 squads. And 15-20 people can't clear an entire planet , or even a few hundred miles on there own. To make it realistic you need around 150-200 guardians/ soldiers. As wolf said below me. Correct the grammatical errors, or I could if you don't feel like it, and it'll be all set.
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Edited by Drumm1ng An1mal: 4/22/2013 1:56:36 AMTo clear something up when she has her flashbacks shes with another regiment where she wasn't leader and there was a decent size of guardians she has 3 regiments of roughly 20 people and their only doing search mission right now not clearing the planet and im also taking all your feedback so i can fix it and make changes as needed
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2 RepliesLet's see... First paragraph, last sentence: Change was to were, eliminate comma. Second paragraph, first sentence: Add a comma after people, unless you were describing the boots as people boots. Second paragraph, last sentence: Land ship, kill everything on planet. You may want to start off a bit smaller. Ah, forget that. We have DarkBandit1 for a reason. You know Saturn is a gas giant, right? There is no surface. And gravity is several times greater than Earth. And I don't mean to sound harsh or anything, but you did ask for feedback. It has the makings of a good story, but it needs the right push.
