IMPRACTICAL BLUE- A destiny story.

This is a good effort. The part that I liked the most was also the one that bugged me though. It was the gambling scene. Very cool, yet something was a little off. The SPOILER ALERT main character of the story dies about two thirds the way through the scene. The story was told from his point of view up to when he dies then sort of transitions to his killer's for the rest. It's called head-hopping, and it confuses the reader. Think about a couple alternatives. First, tell the story from the Hunter's POV, without giving away too much early on. Or tell it from a 3rd person POV. The problem with that is that you lose the sense of being in a character's skin and it clashes against the style you used in the rest of the scenes. I'm guessing that the scene was a tough to write with that POV switch. I can see the need to get in the victim's head first, but a good way to do that is to have strong dialogue and show his body language- basically anything that the hunter would observe. The other option is to create a new scene for the Hunter's POV. It's a reliable way to go. Just add a double space and you're good to go. I have a challenge for you. Try rewriting the story with the following limits in place. -Keep every paragraph under FOUR lines. Walls o' text are tiresome. -Split the external actions and your characters reactions into different paragraphs. -Only keep dialogue with CONFLICT. Delete the rest. Also don't have the dialogue explain what's going on if both characters already know what's up. -Adverb allowance! Only ever use one adverb per chapter, ever. In this case you can probably use two or three for the entire story. -Make your characters sound unique. The reader should be able to know who's talking without the labels. -Last thing. Write chronologically. Delete any uses of "simultaneously", "as", "while", etc. Something happens, your character reacts, makes a decision, acts. Sometimes you can leave out the reaction or decision. Just make sure the external and internal are separate. I can't wait to read more!