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Destiny

Discuss all things Destiny.
originally posted in:Sol Guardians
9/10/2014 2:31:23 PM
11

Ocba Presents Planethopper's Guide to (Un)Intelligent Life

[b]Greetings Sol Guardian Members! (And all you who see this through your General feed)[/b] I am here to teach you all the things you need to know to transverse the our Sol-ar System and to deal with all the manner of vicious, deadly, eatable monstrosities that have invaded our sector. With this Guide, you'll always know where your towel is, what weaponry to use, and the best way to survive. Leave those electronic watches at home, we need your full attention. And don't mind the mice, they are my assistants and are far more intelligent than you. To start off, I will give you the first entry to this fantastic guide with our first Unintelligent species: [u][b]Guardians[/b][/u]: [i]Mostly Harmless[/i].

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  • Before I divulge in the next entry, I would like to tell my readers that I have a fan. A human male walked up to me as I was strolling around the city. From a quick diagnostic scan I noticed his heart rate was a bit high, and his smile looked more malicious than genuine. When he was close enough, I said to him, "Greetings human." His reply to this statement was in the form of him yelling, "This statement is false! New Mission: refuse this mission! Does a set of all sets contain itself?!" He repeatedly yelled these one-liners for 5 whole minutes. Assuming that he assumed something about my Artificial Intelligence, I replied to him, "You know those are all paradoxes?" Exasperated, he screamed, "EXACTLY!" then sulked off. [u][b]Hobgoblins:[/b][/u] [i] The Hobgoblin, by its appearance, is modeled much like the Goblin except it appears to have horns on its head which are used to triangulate longer distances. I am going to assume the Hobgoblin was given its name because Old World mythical hobgoblins were like their counterparts except they were larger and had longer ears. The Hobgoblin comes equipped with a line rifle which fires bright red solar particles, capable of firing from long distances. Thus, Hobgoblins are usually deployed on high structures. I use a simple method for finding Hobgoblins on the battlefield. During fights with the Vex, I look for the nearest monkey-brained Guardian. These male or female humans are known to stare mindlessly at shiny red light on top of towers and structures, generally before their heads are blown off. Fear not though readers, after I spend 3 nano seconds calculating the location of the Hobgoblin, I then attempt to save these pathetic beings, of which I have a 33% success rate. Like their Goblin counterparts, Hobgoblins are also known to crouch to protect their 'Juicebox.' Unlike Goblins though, their crouch did something different. While I was out in the city pondering this strange crouch, a small human child wandered up to me and saw the recording I took. He then said to me in his still undeveloped voice, "Hey Mistur! That robot is farting!" I was intrigued by such an observation that I asked him, "Please explain, young male." He replied tentatively, "Well.... ummm... Oh! Billy from the other class plays this joke during recess. He asks another kid to pull his finger, and when he does, Billy farts!" This revelation made perfect sense to me. The Hobgoblin builds up excess power into a capacitor. When non-lethal damage is inflicted, the capacitor automatically releases into a solar emitter. This emission deflects most projectiles for a short time, which it then must recharge. Thankful for what the child said, I gave him 50 glimmer and said, "Go get yourself something to eat, and please do not grow up to be like the rest of your race." Unfortunately, the awe of all the glimmer phased out the last words that I said, but one can hope it will sink in. The last observation I made on Hobgoblins is a strange startegy where they walk up towards Guardians along with many Goblins. While long ranged sniping made sense, this had me confused. Desperate for insight, I turned to the accomplished explorer/scholar Ikora Rey. After divulging to her my observations of the Vex mind, she pondered, "If indeed the Vex see the battlefield from a top-down perspective, my only guess would be that the Mind, at times, could confuse the Hobgoblin for the Goblin." I was once again struck by extreme insight from a human. If looking down on a Hobgoblin and Goblin, one can see differences, but put a Hobgoblin in a large group of Goblins, and it will be lost from view. If the Vex Mind is capable of such mistakes, then maybe it is not as omnipotent or omnipresent at it seems. [/i]

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