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originally posted in:The Black Garden
7/15/2013 5:57:00 AM
14
Being a mercenary is never easy.
It had only been a day since the job began. Of the original company, only two members had survived the trek into the heart of the Buried City. Mars was already a vicious and unforgiving world, and the constant Cabal patrols only made matters worse.
Cauldron was a grizzled survivor of many of these failed treasure hunts. He scowled at the red dust that caked his scarred Titan Armor and walked up behind his comrade who was nervously glancing over a holographic map.
“Simon, have you found our vault yet?” he asked, startling the Hunter to attention.
“Y-yes, just beyond that loading dock should be the site that Osiris mentioned in the job description…” he stammered as Cauldron walked briskly past him.
The city’s containment field had broken long ago, and the desert had wasted no time in greedily reclaiming the metropolis. Cauldron climbed the wind-scarred steps into the dimly-lit interior of the ruined building, halting in front an ancient steel door. He wedged his hand into a crack and pried the door open with his shoulder, dust billowing into the broken vacuum.
“…I was going to hack that” Simon muttered.
The duo stepped into the warehouse of a pre-collapse distribution center. The darkness was punctuated by the soft blue glow of scattered glimmer, illuminating a corpse that was only a few yards from the door. As they approached, the corpse twitched to life, slowly pulling its desiccated and flaking body from the floor, letting out a long wheeze. The darkness was suddenly ablaze with numerous green trifocal eyes which swiveled to face those who would dare to disturb their tomb.
Simon let out a weak whimper.
Cauldron sighed as he unslung his trusty autorifle from his back.
Being a mercenary is [i]never[/i] easy.
English
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Lol Simon was funny
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Very well done. Fleshing out just enough character leaving the reader wanting more. Definitely use those characters in a future work, great potential!
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Blood gushed from the open wound like water from a brook, The yell that followed would haunt the guardians for the remainder of their lives...if they could survive. "Damn it! I'm hit! I'm hit!" Screamed the warlock as he fell to the ground, His arm crimson with blood. "Keep it together kid! Your not dying here!" Yelled a titian who rushed into the barrage to save the rookie. The rookie realizes he had lost his gun "Oh no, where is my-" A tall shadow looms over the warlock. A fallen Captain plucked the wounded guardian off the ground, much like a child picks up a small insect. It kept a tight grasp on the helpless man, squeezing more blood from the wound. With the captain's two free arms it produced two crackling sabers. The warlock petrified with fear cannot struggle free. The captain savors every moment of fear as it aims the pulsing swords at the guardians throat. The swords flew at their target. But in a split second, one is deflected by a sniper bullet. The captan loses his stance. The titian launches himself at the sends his fist rocketing into his enemy's face. The towering foe howled in pain as he released the warlock. Clutching his face he looks up to see the three guardians who now stand before him... Regaining his composure and cosmic energy welling up in his palm the warlock says: "now it's personal..." (I want to apologize for the bad quality, writing on an iphone can be stressing)
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you should definatly write an entire fan fiction based on the story of Cauldron and Simon, i think that alot of people would read it. post it in a separate thread.
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Heh, it would be fun, but I'm terrible as shit at action scenes, as you can sorta see with the door opening scene. Brushstroke Imagery? I can pull that out infinitely. Action Scenes? Not so much.
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Here's some advice for action scenes: try writing in short, sharp sentences. Keep the actions of each sentence to a minimum, sometimes even just to one single action. This gives the reader the impression that the scene is fast-paced, which most action scenes are (if you want to write, say, a slow-mo fight or a space battle, it's a bit different and a little harder). For example, "The French army approached. Marius struggled to reach for his rifle. Between his fingers, he felt the barrel, then gripped and yanked. He climbed atop the barricade, stuck the rifle against his shoulder, and fired. [i]BANG![/i] The bullet hit a cannoneer. He fell to the cobbles, dead. Marius briefly ducked for cover to reload, then [i]BANG![/i] A musketeer fell. Marius hid and shot, again and again". Of course, once all the action is done with, you can revert back to longer sentences to show that the action's over, though you should probably ease it in e.g. "At last, his rifle was emptied, but it did not matter. The French soldiers were dead". And then, once everything's completely back to normal (character's back on his feet and walking at a normal pace; if he's still in imminent danger or in a hurry, maintain the same, short sentencing), you can go back to long, descriptive sentences, which I can tell you're already good at. Hopes this helps you, and anybody else who might happen to read this.
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holy shit, reading this while listing to music from the game, OMG! With these Fists
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this is some great character interaction, man. just need a cool warlock to round the team out. I hope to see more of cauldron and simon in the future.
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A third character to round out the fireteam would have been nice wouldn't it? However, 300 word limits certainly are a bitch :) Not sure how I would have written her though. I'd have to give that thought.
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I am totally with you on the word limit, I think that's what cost me the finals. but if you want my input on a third character, you can ignore this if you want to, I think that the warlock would need to have a cool, fun, go with the flow kind of vibe to off-set cauldron's serious and tired attitude and simon's weak and scarred attitude. but those are just my thoughts. you do you.
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Hmm...
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the casual strength that embodies your character is inspiring and contrasts magnifacently with the foil of Simon.
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It took me the better part of today to brainstorm, write, and rewrite this story before letting it marinate long enough to allow me to wiggle around my word count into different areas of the story to best bring it to life. Microsoft Word tells me that I'm at exactly 300 words, please let me know if you have any questions or concerns about my submission. Thanks!
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an excellent piece but I had expected that, Hylebos.
