originally posted in:The Black Garden
Pain. The only word that can sum up this dreadful place that I have woken up to. Untouched by life for so long, metal struts break upon my weight as I bring myself to my feet. Where am I? I have been here long enough that sand has accumulated in tiny crevices within the folds of my clothing. I shouldn't have been out that long. Footsteps lead into the dark structure that I awoke next to. The wind is slowly blowing them away. Whoever, or whatever, they belong to was here recently.
Heading into the structure I follow the footsteps as long as the sand reaches. But after a few minutes the sand has gone and I have nothing to keep my bearings on. I step from the sand onto the cold hard metal floor and look back and chuckle while letting out a little grin. The footsteps reminded me of a story my mother used to tell me about a little boy and girl that left bread crumbs upon the forest floor so they knew how to get home after their day's adventures. My grin fades as I realize the story ends with a witch, and I promptly turn back around and head into the unknown.
Light. After an unknown period of time I see a pale pulsating glow emanating from around the corner. I quickly move towards it and peer around the corner. Some complex structure atop a dais at the foot of a metal table is the source of the glow. Trails of wires lead to the skeleton of what seems to be a portal. The table is glowing in a very peculiar fashion. I move closer to investigate and I realize. Blood. The hair on the back of my neck stands on end as I turn around. He’s there. Of course He is. He’s always been there. He wanted me to find this; to see what is about to come. I’ve nowhere left to go as he moves towards me. Smiling. Why does He smile? He’s so close. I feel a slight pressure on my chest. The warmth of my body is fleeing. I look up at that smiling face as the cold grips of death grab me. Silence.
English
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Edited by Ereristrun: 7/13/2013 6:08:42 AMEdit* Tried to get word count down and removed/moved some information. Sorry its over a little bit :/
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You might need to make this shorter, it was 92 words over the limit and I don't think they'll judge it if it is that much over the limit. I will say although that I like how descriptive you are of the characters thoughts and feelings, I also like the ominous exploration and the mysterious ending. The only criticism I can give is that, the beginning seems slightly out of place, it seems like it would only need minor alterations to improve your story. Good job though, I enjoyed your story.
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Thank you! And yeah As I moved it to word I noticed. But Im unsure as to what I want to remove/condense as of now. Ive been prodding though :P Stay tuned!