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originally posted in:The Black Garden
Edited by sagexsage:
7/13/2013 4:47:39 AM
24
His death was an accident.
As the hunter's hands became limp Sasha's rifle slipped from her grasp and sank into the shifting sands of the martian landscape. She stumbled in retreat from his body, collapsing onto the sea of red grains as the Cabal descended upon her.
The days that followed overflowed with taunts and abuse by the Cabal. They relished in the capture of a guardian and made no attempt to suppress their glee. Dawn after dawn they would rise to scream and roar at the face of their enemy before untying the rope that held her hostage and parading her around the carcass of the once glorious city now buried in the dunes. At dusk they returned her to the rusty lamp post where she would be fettered for the Cabals' entertainment.
Consumed by visions of her brother shuddering from the impact of the bullet in his throat the huntress had taken the humiliation in silence, echoes of the moment reverberating in her mind throughout her captivity. The Cabal had left her armor on her, a second torture as the sun rose and baked her within the metal. No more. Days of torment had broken her of guilt and sorrow. Leisurely her hand drifted to her elbow and quietly unbuckled the straps that held the armor to her forearm. Gathered at the center of their camp the Cabal didn't notice Sasha's actions. With ease the knife that had been hidden, attached to the underside of her gear, severed the rope that bound her and she disappeared into the shadows.
Gracefully Sasha's blade soared into the throat of the Cabal leader, bloodying the sand. Without a leader the Cabal futilely searched for the apparition that haunted them.
One by one their screams screeched across the cold desert expanse.
English
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this is good. I'll have to see more before I make a judgment on whether I like it or not. but this is definitely good writing.
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thank you very much. and if you would like to see the updated/revised version here's the link. http://www.bungie.net/7_Untitled-A-Destiny-Fanfiction/en-us/Forum/Post?id=61152029&path=1
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all right, now that's what I'm talking about! the writing is superb and the descriptive language really shines. the only criticism I have is that you don't really focus on Sasha's thoughts and feelings after the first couple of paragraphs. since she's your main character, for right now, she should get some fleshing-out. but you did give her a very good physical description.
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Thank you very much, i'll take a look back on that, but i'm trying to contain her emotions until the end of chapter 2, and most of chapter 3. make her seem solid on the outside and then break her apart.
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that is sick and disturbed and just what a writer would do. I love it.
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thank you. The main challenge is making it flow with a string of flashbacks.
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amazingly brutal. Please tell me you will continue to write this.
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I was thinking about it. I just need to find an ending so I can fill in the gaps with appropriate content.
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will you continue writing this? I think it is very good and could go on for a while, like fleshing out your character and such.
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I do have some time on my hands. My girlfriend took my character sketches so until I get those back I could write this out. I'll post it when I finish.
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def add it to the Black Garden dude. We'd be happy to have Sasha join the Guardian ranks there.
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I have a rebuffed version of this short would you like to see it?
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yeah sure dude, just dont post it on this thread and confuse the hell out of me please lolz.
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i won't. where would you like it?
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Black Garden or message me it would be fine. Have you ever used google doc before?
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maybe a new topic?
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?? you can go ahead and add it dude.
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Edited by sagexsage: 7/15/2013 4:54:28 AMforgot I posted it. this is why I need sleep.
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http://www.bungie.net/7_Untitled-A-Destiny-Fanfiction/en-us/Groups/Post?id=61152029&groupId=39972#referred- there it is. rebuffed prologue to sasha's adventure of revenge.
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sorry, still new to the forum/group thing. I made it a topic.
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that way I could keep updating it.
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no I have not used google doc before. and don't think i'm stupid (just ignorant) but where amongst the black garden? there is a string of forums in the group.
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I have a story plot and general idea for the ending. I'll fill in the details over the next few days.
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Edited by sagexsage: 7/14/2013 3:22:23 AMI'm also going to make some more tweaks to what I already wrote and add some more meat to it's bones. It just seems rather bare.
