I read the first chapter and glanced over the second. Here's some pointers. Always re read your work and correct spelling errors. It's ok for characters to use slang such as the word "kinda" but it's never really acceptable for the narrator to use those words. Don't be afraid to dedicate a paragraph or two to describing the surroundings of a character and try to have an objective story in mind while writing. Ill try and read over the rest. I hope this helps out and thanks for putting your story up for us. It's so great to see people coming together making and telling story's about this game. To me this is one of the most magical parts of a games development as a community member :')