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originally posted in:The Black Garden
Edited by Ocean Man:
4/24/2013 12:02:38 AM
4
My First Short Story.
My character's intro. It was a fun process. Hope you like it. Please put down any criticism, I'll be open and it'll help me improve.
Thanks to DarkBandit for editing it.
If you want to try writing some fan fic, join The Black Garden.
English
#Destiny
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2 Repliesa lot of minor spelling mistakes. Normally they don't bother me but you had several per page and sometimes per paragraph. I suggest some editing on it. The story was solid, although a bit fast paced in my opinion. Other than that though completely solid.
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3 Repliesits alright for a first go but you can add so much more detail to it. Flush it out a bit more. Add more of what your character is thinking.
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1 ReplyJust two small pet peeves i would suggest. 1. You can come up with a better name then Holoroom. maybe use an acronym (H.A.L.L. Room "Holographic Augmented Life Lesson" room 2. we all shouted yeah. That is a phine (why did i think fine was spelled with a ph) word, but i do not think it encompeses the complete and utter joy that should be shown at the moment this is my two cents
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1 ReplySorry bout the missed words ,was very tired. I'll do better next time.
