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originally posted in:The Black Garden
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Edited by Drumm1ng An1mal:
4/22/2013 2:33:10 AM
4
Lilyanna Ara's Destiny
Please forgive any mispellings and give feedback so i can make the next chapter better.
"Edit" I changed it from Saturn to its moon Titan i pictured it haveing a somewhat foresty area whether it be of ice or actually land i'm just trying to make it better and easily readable.
English
#Destiny
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2 RepliesLet's see... First paragraph, last sentence: Change was to were, eliminate comma. Second paragraph, first sentence: Add a comma after people, unless you were describing the boots as people boots. Second paragraph, last sentence: Land ship, kill everything on planet. You may want to start off a bit smaller. Ah, forget that. We have DarkBandit1 for a reason. You know Saturn is a gas giant, right? There is no surface. And gravity is several times greater than Earth. And I don't mean to sound harsh or anything, but you did ask for feedback. It has the makings of a good story, but it needs the right push.
