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Edited by silencersix:
6/4/2019 12:46:13 PM
4
Another story post, probably garbage
[quote]I STILL NEED FEEDBACK. [/quote]
This is actually a part 2 to the other post i made, with the camp and the.... ugh.... cat girls....
I flew my ship past mountains and trees. I sat in a small cøckpit, silent. The only sound was the rain on the windshields, and the quiet hum of the engines. The ship’s automated voice broke the silence; <Approaching coastline in 3 minutes>. I tracked the leader of that gang to a sunken freighter, a 2 miles off the coast.
The ship consisted of the cøckpit and a compartment with a bed and workbench. On the workbench was a machine gun. The gun was decked out with a chainsaw made of hard light, a flamethrower and bullets that turned the blood into toxic liquid. If the bullets drew blood, the target would die, even if they got away- no matter what the target was. I also bought a collapsible mod from the kings forge and managed to actually implant it into my body. So I’m basically the ant man of Offtopic, but i can only shrink and return to normal.
I landed the ship on the beach and dived into the water. The coast was rich with sealife, the ship could be seen in the distance.
I entered the freighter through a hole in it’s hull, in the front. Inside was a cargo hold, with large crates and even fish swimming around. The ship was creaking. On the far side of the room was a large door. The leader’s signal was coming from the other side. I pressed a button next to the door, it opened with a loud scrapping sound and I entered into a corridor. As the door closed, water began draining through drains on the floor. “So the ship is kinda functional.”
As I walked through the corridor and past doorways the signal became stronger. It led me to what looked like crew quarters.
He was on one of the bed tinkering with a sword. A machine gun materialized in my hand. “Hey dude!” I startled him.
“You again?! Goddammit. What do you want of me?!”
“I was sent to your camp with orders to assassinate you. I’m finishing the job.”
“You’ll never kill all of us.”
“I won’t have to. You’re killing yourselves.”
He charged me and attempted an uppercut attack, but a chainsaw appeared on my gun and blocked his attack. I kicked him in the leg, and he stumbled back. But let down his guard. I gave him a few punches untill he knocked me off my feet and attempted to stab me through the chest. I barely rolled but the sword caught my arm and cut it (not off, just drew a bit of blood). He then attempted to behead me i shrunk and appeared behind him. I fired a few rounds into him, nearly killing him.
He looked up at me, “Well? Aren’t you gonna kill me?”
“No. I think I’ll let the bullets do that. You’ll be able to reflect on your past choices.” I left him on the ship to die.
The remnants of his gang were soon arrested and are now in prison.
I also found that crystal on the way out.
[quote]i know it still has some rough spots. But I’m working on it, ok?[/quote]
Edit: on trending. That’s nice, i guess.
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2 RepliesThe very first thing i found was you seem to switch between third and first person views, especially at the beginning. Always stick with either one or the other, whichever one is best for you. For example in the very beginning: [quote] The ship flew past mountains and trees. I sat in the cøckpit. The only sound was the rain on the windshields, and the hum of the engines[/quote] The first sentence starts put as third person, but then you use "I" in the second sentence. In the third sentence you go back to using "the." I suggest using "my" more instead of "the" because it help to deliver the story through the character's eyes, which is what you want if you want to write in first person. Also, add more detail with smells and sounds because you want to make the reader feel like they are physically with the characters. ADJECTIVES ARE YOUR BEST FRIEND IN FIRST PERSON WRITING. So, my revisions would be this: [spoiler]My ship flew past mountains and trees. I sat, staring directly ahead, in the cramped cøckpit. All i could hear was the soft pitter-pattering of the rain on the windshields and the gentle hum of the engines[/spoiler] Alternatively, if you want to do third person, you still need to make the reader feel like they are inside the story, but from the point of view of an omnipotent god-narrator, rather than the main character. Instead of describing smells, sounds, tastes, feelings, and sights of the main character alone, you have to describe the entire scene as a whole, even things the main character would not know or notice. Also, if you do thrid person, NEVER use "my" or "i", unless you are quoting a character. So, more revisions: [spoiler]The ship sped past the mountains at 600 miles per hour. Silencersix sat in the cøckpit, staring inpassively at the pine trees blowing in the wind. The sky was silent, except for the raindrops on the windshield and the gentle hum of the engine.[/spoiler] I'm no professional writer, so i hope this advice helps you to write on. I mean, you have the guts to bestow your self-proclaimed "shitty writing" upon offtopic, which is already better than me. Just be persistent in writing, and you will get better with experience, i guarantee it.
