People often wonder how our ASSHAT technology (Anti Spin Super Hyper Advanced Translator) is so scary accurate? Well it’s all thanks to the “contexulator” (pat pending). What it basically does through the magic of Science, is take a random phrase, add multiple contexts and then through advanced algorithms select the best outcome. Let’s see it in action as we select a completely random phrase from the internet. SOURCE: “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker!” RESPONSE 1: Liquor > Candy when courting members of the female persuasion. RESPONSE 2: Willy Wonka has a dark side, and may not be the most suitable choice to leave children with. RESPONSE 3: But not as quick as C16H12FN3O3 - 5-(2-Fluorophenyl) 1,3-dihydro-1-methyl-7-nitro-2H-1,4-benzodiazepin-2-one. Which is a sure way to get you 20. CONCLUSION: The 70’s were dark times indeed. Maybe we should try a different one. SOURCE: “Remove SBMM” RESPONSE 1: Players are unhappy with SBMM and it should be removed. RESPONSE 2: Players are fed up with SBMM and it should be removed. RESPONSE 3: Players are sick of SBMM and it should be removed. CONCLUSION: ERROR: 5242-TYPE 6262 all responses are equally correct. Hmm well let’s try this week’s translation shall we? ============================================================================= [quote][i]“This week at Bungie we’re dissecting the machines.”[/i][/quote] [b]RESPONSE 1:[/b] Transformers! More than meets the eye. Oh wait that’s already a thing? [b]RESPONSE 2: [/b] Instead of what we should be doing…Which is dissecting the SB out of the MM. [b]CONCLUSION: [/b]When we say “Machines” we mean everything but last gen, and also Soundwave. Like common do 12 year old's even know what a cassette is anymore? [quote][i] “In front of a live audience, we confronted Aksis, along with every other Devil Splicer that got in our way. An elite Fireteam of crash-test-dummies who serve the Raid team blazed a trail into enemy territory. From the relative peace and comfort of the hot seat, two developers traded war stories about a creative process they share with every discipline in the studio. We even did it in Heroic Mode.”[/i][/quote] [b]RESPONSE 1:[/b] We know you love STREAMERS as much as we do, that’s why we have become one so you’ll love us too! [b]RESPONSE 2:[/b] We couldn’t find any cute half naked emo chicks to stream in time, which we know is the real reason you watch others play video games. But here’s some guys almost as dorky as you! [b]CONCLUSION: [/b]Yawn, boring! [quote][i]“It’s rare for a group of people to take such joy from destroying their own work.”[/i][/quote] [b]RESPONSE 1: [/b]Yet we at Bungie excel at it…literally. [b]RESPONSE 2[/b]: Bungie fact: John Wisniewski has been employee of the month since 2014. [b]CONCLUSION:[/b] Some people want to watch the world burn; others just won’t give up on SBMM no matter how many petitions you sign. [i][quote] “No telling what we might explore next: The Plaguelands? Archon’s Forge? Rise of Iron Campaign?”[/i][/quote] [b]RESPONSE 1:[/b] Outside our Mothers basement? [b]CONCLUSION: [/b]The above statement is both very sad, and very true. [quote][i]“The Siege Engine is not the only machine we’re dissecting this week. We’re also cracking open the machinations of the Crucible to show you what’s inside. Since last weekend, we’ve seen a resurgence of a conversation about Matchmaking. This always tends to be an emotional topic.”[/i][/quote] [b]RESPONSE 1:[/b] We didn’t let you keep your little broom after thousands of petitions, so do you think we care about thousands of petitions to remove SBMM? [b]RESPONSE 2:[/b] 100+ posts of “Remove SBMM isn’t a resurgence of an emotional topic…It’s a revolution! [b]CONCLUSION: [/b]We don’t care about your “Feelings” we do what we want. [quote][i]“Crucible Matchmaking was designed to be as fast and fair as possible. These are complex systems that serve millions of players. More people enjoying the Crucible means healthier Matchmaking pools and a stronger community overall. We hear your feedback about how that should work.”[/i][/quote] [b]RESPONSE 1:[/b] To be fair as possible...Yet we designed the game so that a select few at any one time will have to most OP gun possible, but the others of you won’t. [b]RESPONSE 2:[/b] Our “complex systems” do not include dedicated servers…We’re not sorry for the inconvenience. [b]CONCLUSION:[/b] We noticed your multiple “Remove SBMM” posts but frankly we don’t give a rat’s ass! [quote][i]“When it comes to Matchmaking, here are our design goals:”[/i][/quote] [b]RESPONSE 1:[/b] SBMM [b]RESPONSE 2: [/b]SBMM [b]CONCLUSION:[/b] There is only SBMM! [b]Fast Context: GO![/b] [quote] [i]“First, we identify a pool of available players with a good connection to you”[/i][/quote] [b]CONCLUSION: [/b]We can’t help if that particular pool of players is on the other side of the world in Eastern Europe, and using Soviet era dial up. You obviously have trash internet and should be ashamed of yourself. [i] [quote] “Within that pool, we choose players closely matched to your personal skill rating”[/i][/quote] [b]CONCLUSION: [/b]Actually this is step one, but we won’t admit to that…Darn it! [i]“If we can’t find players within that pool, we widen the variance in skill”[/i] [b]CONCLUSION: [/b]While you wait forever in Orbit, we’re busy finding you rivals from countries you never heard of. Such as Australia, Canada, or if you’re really lucky Kyrgyzstan! [quote] [i]“If THAT doesn’t work, we expand the search again with more variance in connection quality”[/i][/quote] [b]CONCLUSION: [/b]“Wait…Didn’t we say that we FIRST look for a good connection, but suddenly now we’re looking for a good connection again? HAHA caught in a lie as usual. [quote][i]“Once enough players are selected, we break them out into equally skilled teams”[/i][/quote] [b]CONCLUSION:[/b] Unless you have your under skilled “Friends” playing with you. In that case, you’ll just have to suck it up as you watch their K/D plummet faster than Kyrgyzstan’s currency the SOM plummets after a Russian invasion. [quote][i]“That’s a gross simplification of some complicated engineering. To summarize: Connection quality is always the highest priority factor in Destiny Matchmaking. It's the first criteria for the search, and the last value we’re willing to compromise to set the match. When possible, we introduce you to opponents that will put up a respectable fight, but not at the expense of a good connection. We strive for the ideal, but life on the Internet is chaotic, so it’s inevitable that we’ll see red bars or matches that end with the enforcement of the Mercy Rule.”[/i][/quote] [b]CONCLUSION:[/b] Everyone has RED BARS because the internet SUCKS! It’s totally not our fault in implementing SBMM, which every other game studio scraped over a year ago. Sadly you’re 50mbs connection just can’t handle your Mom’s netflix’s addiction. [quote][i] “We’re always curious about what you have to say about the games you play. Our Feedback forum is where we look for thoughts and ideas. If you’ve taken the time to explain your perceptions of matchmaking, know that our work on the Crucible is never finished.”[/i][/quote] [b]CONCLUSION: [/b]Please post on our Feedback forum where we can easily ignore the 100+ “Remove SBMM”, and not REDDIT where potential investors and game magazines like Polygon might read it!