Yo man, you're skilled as hell at analogies. And I agree, their matchmaking is so bad I'd rather be matched up by hair colour than the way bungie's system works (teach me your ways..IM BAD).
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And your stats are damn sure better than mine.
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When you get bad enough, just cheese it. Wait til the last 10 seconds of a match where your team is ahead, and whip out the last word, since winning a match gives you a 3% bonus. It's what I did for the last 10% of shindig.