I made a decision to avoid posting topics whose humor is derived from the reaction of the replies, not from content of the topic itself. Obviously this topic was treading on that line and not many people could see it was satirical. Therefore many angry replies were had despite it being tagged #satire. But rather than leave the thread up with a disclaimer, I feel it's better to take it down. So...sorry.
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I'm 49, but my wife says I act like I'm 9. I hope this doesn't mean I'll be prohibited from playing Destiny in your utopian society. I think I'm actually pretty mature -- I don't even play Pokemon any more. Much. I can neither confirm nor deny, however, that I have ever referred to any activity at home as "igniting the rift!"