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Edited by TheLegend27:
6/22/2016 12:56:48 AM
10
The lone wolf
The Lone Wolf
-Chapter one-
There was a dead silence as his lifeless body fell to the floor. "Well, he deserved that," the mysterious figure said. I couldn't tell what or who he was, but I knew it wasn't human.
The person who had been shot was a member of the fire team, a Titan male. "There were two of us left. It was just her and I. The three of us were brought back together, and the three of us are going to die together," I thought.
We were looking for a rogue guardian. A Warlock who wanted knowledge about the Vex and where they came from. It was almost an obsession. Only one guardian had gone after him before. A hero, the son of the speaker, Saint-14. The person spoke,"Hey, hero, eyes open for the next show." One shot fired from a gun into his head.
The next thing I knew I was knocked out. I don't know why, but I was wanted alive. And my fire team wasn't. But I'm a hunter. There are over a hundred hunters, and I was the least skilled in the group. As I woke up I saw the bones of previous guardians who had been captured. "He's over here, sir," someone said. End of chapter 1. Hey guys winter here and this is the edited version made by my friend WarriorManager so yah all thanks go to him
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https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/205981006/0/0
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Edited by FJFSOM656: 5/6/2016 4:38:34 PMThis is a very excellent start, however it is hard to follow at time (atleast the dialogue is) to sort that out I would make a paragraph everytime it was the dialogue of someone speaking versus the thoughts of your main character E.G. [quote]"Guardian. Guardian?" My head spun and my eyes opened. My mouth was glued shut but I could hear myself speaking as if drunk. "What?..." The voice rung in my ear as it spoke."Eyes up Guardian." "What is?..." I looked up to see a man and a hand cannon dead in my face. "Now... We can begin."[/quote] Something like that just to make the flow a bit easier to understand. But I love the story hook, very gripping right off the bat
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[quote]The Lone Wolf -Chapter one- There was a dead silence as his lifeless body fell to the floor. "Well, he deserved that," the mysterious figure said. I couldn't tell what or who he was, but I knew he wasn't human. The man who had been shot was a member of the fire team, a Titan male. "There were two of us left. It was just her and I. The three of us were brought back together, and the three of us are going to die together," I thought. We were looking for a rogue guardian. A Warlock who wanted knowledge about the Vex and where they came from. It was almost an obsession. Only one guardian had gone after him before. A hero, the son of the speaker, Saint-14. The person spoke,"Hey, hero, eyes open for the next show." One shot fired from a gun into his head. The next thing I knew I was knocked out. I don't know why, but I was wanted alive. And my fire team wasn't. But I'm a hunter. There are over a hundred hunters, and I was the least skilled in the group. As I woke up I saw the bones of previous guardians who had been captured. "He's over here, sir," someone said. End of chapter 1. Hey guys winter here and this is the edited version made by my friend WarriorManager so yah all thanks go to him[/quote]
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[quote]The Lone Wolf -Chapter one- There was a dead silence as his lifeless body fell to the floor. "Well, he deserved that," the mysterious figure said. I couldn't tell what or who he was, but I knew he wasn't human. The man who had been shot was a member of the fire team, a Titan male. "There were two of us left. It was just me and him left. The three of us were brought back together, and the three of us are going to die together," I thought. We were looking for a rogue guardian. A Warlock who wanted knowledge about the Vex and where they came from. It was almost an obsession. Only one guardian had gone after him before. A hero, the son of the speaker, Saint-14. The person spoke,"Hey, hero, eyes open for the next show." One shot fired from a gun into her head. The next thing I knew I was knocked out. I don't know why, but I was wanted alive. And my fire team wasn't. But I'm a hunter. There are over a hundred hunters, and I was the least skilled in the group. As I woke up I saw the bones of previous guardians who had been captured. "He's over here, sir," someone said. End of chapter 1. Hey guys winter here and this is the edited version made by my friend WarriorManager so yah all thanks go to him[/quote]
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The Lone Wolf -Chapter one- There was a dead silence as his lifeless body fell to the floor. "Well, he deserved that," the mysterious figure said. I couldn't tell what or who he was, but I knew he wasn't human. The man who had been shot was a member of the fire team, a Titan male. "There were two of us left. It was just her and I. The three of us were brought back together, and the three of us are going to die together," I thought. We were looking for a rogue guardian. A Warlock who wanted knowledge about the Vex and where they came from. It was almost an obsession. Only one guardian had gone after him before. A hero, the son of the speaker, Saint-14. The person spoke,"Hey, hero, eyes open for the next show." One shot fired from a gun into her head. The next thing I knew I was knocked out. I don't know why, but I was wanted alive. And my fire team wasn't. But I'm a hunter. There are over a hundred hunters, and I was the least skilled in the group. As I woke up I saw the bones of previous guardians who had been captured. "He's over here, sir," someone said.[/quote] this is the edited version made by my friend warrior so yah all thanks go to him
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Edited by TheLegend27: 3/20/2016 7:19:54 AMOkay i am looking for any new ideas I know it's been a while since part one came out for this series but I really have no ideas for it so yah I'm looking for any ideas
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8 RepliesEdited by Indecisive: 2/3/2016 7:47:10 PMI just fixed what I thought needed to be fixed. You don't have to use any of this. I love the story so far. Good luck continuing it! :) (I did this on mobile, so if anything looks weird or out of place feel free to change it.) The Lone Wolf -Chapter one- There was a dead silence as his lifeless body fell to the floor. "Well, he deserved that," the mysterious figure said. I couldn't tell what or who he was, but I knew he wasn't human. The man who had been shot was a member of the fire team, a Titan male. "There were two of us left. It was just her and I. The three of us were brought back together, and the three of us are going to die together," I thought. We were looking for a rogue guardian. A Warlock who wanted knowledge about the Vex and where they came from. It was almost an obsession. Only one guardian had gone after him before. A hero, the son of the speaker, Saint-14. The person spoke,"Hey, hero, eyes open for the next show." One shot fired from a gun into her head. The next thing I knew I was knocked out. I don't know why, but I was wanted alive. And my fire team wasn't. But I'm a hunter. There are over a hundred hunters, and I was the least skilled in the group. As I woke up I saw the bones of previous guardians who had been captured. "He's over here, sir," someone said.
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Edited by Indecisive: 2/3/2016 6:44:12 PMGreat start. Hope you continue it!
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2 RepliesIt's a great start for a story.
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If there is anything wrong with it just message me
