I have a strange feeling that you might have some sort of underlying mental problems that are going unseen. You might want to see a professional. No sarcasm intended, it's just that you're showing some signs that I've seen before.

Word, probably, I've been through some shit. From Psychopaths trying to kill me to almost losing my life in second grade due to a rope around my neck when playing tug of war and the kids kept tugging not knowing what was happening. So yeah, I'm probably not mentally stable, but I know how to survive and that's what life is about. See how much studying signs helps you in unfathomable situations.