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Edited by rj:
10/13/2015 5:58:06 AM
84
$20 worth of silver awarded to...100% REAL
Whoever can tell the funniest/interesting/amazing/cringey(if that's how you roll)/making fun of yourself/tifu(how you messed up) detailed personal story here.
It's just $20, why not? 45mins of working.
Just a really really awesome factual description of something that really happened to you. Everyone has at least one thing.
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1 ReplyWhen I was thirteen my parents went to church every Sunday, and made sure that I attended Sunday School. One Sunday a friend had stayed the night and parents decided to bring the poor guy along. This was a Southern Baptist church and he was Catholic, so I was worried he might feel weird. He ended up being fine with it, but before Sunday School he told me the most -blam!-ed up joke I have heard in my life. Keep in mind I'm 25 now and have worked in a truck stop for years. Fair warning: If you get offended easily, this spoiler isn't for you. [spoiler]Seriously, it's messed up.[/spoiler] [spoiler]One night an eight year old girl woke up and had to go to the bathroom. She went down stairs and discovered that the bathroom was already occupied with someone in the shower. The little girl yanked open the shower curtain and discovered it to be her mother. "Mommy, what are those!?" The girl asked while pointing to her mothers chest. "These are breasts sweetie." The mother said patiently. "When will I get them?" Asked the child. "Probably in a few years, no go back to bed." With that the girl followed her mother's orders and went back to sleep. The next morning the girl awoke and needed to use the bathroom again. When she got downstairs she found that the bathroom was again occupied with someone showering. The little girl yanked open the shower curtain and found that it was her father. "Daddy what's that?!" The little girl exclaimed while pointing at his groin. "That's a penis." "Oh, when will I get one?" The girl asked innocently.[/spoiler] This is your last chance to turn back. [spoiler]"Probably in about 30 minutes when your mom goes to the grocery store."[/spoiler] I'm sorry.
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4 RepliesEdited by A Flat Bus Tire: 10/14/2015 5:53:03 AMWanna hear a joke? [spoiler]Gjallarhorn[/spoiler]
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True story... When I was 22 I was still living with my parents. I don't come from a family with a lot of money and Southern California is a pretty expensive place to live, so there were 6 of us living in a 2 bedroom apartment. (Now keep in mind that two of my younger siblings are in school and this happened on a week night). I slept in the living room with my dad ( parents are separated but still live together )... ( I know )... So one night I went out drinking with my friends and got completely smashed. Got back home probably around 3 or 4 so my dad was already at work. Well, drunken me is feeling pretty horny and needs a release. So I get Betsy. ( The name is another embarrassing story for another time ). Betsy is the Pocket Pu$$y I used to own. I grab Betsy and realize we have no lotion so I start thinking about another alternative. And then it hits me... olive oil. We're Italian so of course we have olive oil. I go to the kitchen and grab the bottle of olive oil, rip off my clothes like I was high on PCP, jump in bed and put on some porn, and douse Betsy in the oil as if I were cooking a gourmet meal. About an hour later I finish. I get my release. My head falls back to my pillow, my arms drop dead, and I make a terrible mistake. I close my drunken eyes. Around 11am I wake up to a marching band inside my head. My head is throbbing from last night's jager bombs and PBR's. My breath smells like Sailor Jerry himself. Yet despite the feeling of death, my body is experiencing an interesting sensation. It's cool and breezy. That's when I realize I'm naked. My heart stops. No. No. Please.... NO! I look to the side of my bed and see Betsy and her partner in crime, the bottle of extra virgin olive oil.... Then the silence hits me. Everyone in my house is gone. My mother, my brother, and my sister, my poor, 12 year old sister, had seen the aftermath. My naked body half covered in a blanket, engulfed by the stench of last night's booze and semen; my beloved Betsy at my side. Betsy... what have we done? Needless to say the rest of my life has been pretty awkward around them. It's been 3 years since that night and whenever I go to visit them I think about it... and just hope that they're not. [spoiler]If you wanna know more about Betsy and how she got her name just let me know :)[/spoiler]
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[spoiler]Destiny[/spoiler]
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Edited by FlapjacksNsyrup: 10/14/2015 4:17:27 AM[i]The following is a true story.[/i] So it was the week after Halloween weekend. It was my senior year in high school. My friends and I showed up to this girl's house. She was having a party. We never got the memo that it was a costume party despite being the weekend after Halloween weekend but whatever. Some of my friends tried the whole "do weird shit to your clothes so it looks like you tried to wear a costume but just failed," thing but they just looked like idiots. We show up, no one really says anything. Let it be known, we only knew about this party because one of my friends went to the same school as the hostess. No one else knew her. We start off the night by talking to and drinking with people we don't know. Then we go and play beer pong. My friend takes off his sweatshirt and tosses it in the corner because shit is about to get serious. We get the other guys down to one cup left. My friend shoots and misses but gets the ball back. Now he has to shoot it behind the back. He shoots it and it circles around the cup about 4 or 5 times before flying out. He's ecstatic. "That should have gone in! No way!" We end up winning shortly after. A while later, another friend of mine and I meet this cute blonde chick and both start hitting on her. Somehow we all end up in this giant chair together in the corner. My friend and I are both competing for this girl's attention. We all 3 exchanged numbers but eventually I gave up and decided to let my friend have her. After a few minutes they're in the chair making out. Eventually she gets up and leaves. Then about 10 seconds later my friend turns to the corner and pukes. Luckily it's loud and dark so no one really noticed. Another friend of mine took him outside (Yes, there's a lot of us there. We basically crashed this party). He drives the wasted friend home in the wasted friend's car. I'm still at the party. While all that other BS was going on I somehow talked this girl friend of mine to going into the bathroom with me (I'm pretty drunk at this point). Next thing I know I'm up against the wall with my pants down and she's on her knees. There was a line when we came out. Ooops. Luckily we don't really know anyone there other than my close friends. The hostess decided to pick up some of the trash on the ground. One of my friends picked up a couple of cans and handed them to her. "Thanks... Who the hell are you? Get the -blam!- out of my house!" (What a way to say thanks). He gets kicked out. She starts going around and kicking out my other friends. When she approaches me she says, "You need to leave." I ask why and she says it's because she doesn't know me. I walk up to a guy I was talking with earlier and put my arm around him. "Nah nah I'm Matt's friend!" (Somehow I remembered his name... I'm horrible with names). "Yeah! We've known each other since kindergarten!" Matt said. [i]What a way to cover a bro![/i] "Okay, whatever," and she leaves me alone. Now it's just me and about two other friends left at the party. Everyone else has left one way or another. Me and my best friend go up to these girl and start talking to them. The only one that bites is the least attractive of the bunch. Meh, okay I'll give it a try. I don't remember what I said but I remember her pulling off my shirt and we started making out against a wall. [b]MUSTACHE![/b] The 'stache was strong with this one. Wanted to gag. Luckily my friend runs downstairs shortly after we started making out and grabs me and says, "Dude, we gotta go, cops!" I find my shirt and put it back on (backwards). We bolt out the back door with a few other people. I kid you not there are drunk girls no taller than 5'5" hopping 8' fences. No idea how they managed that. A cop car pulls up and everyone scatters. I got separated from my friends. As luck would have it my friend who left to drive my drunk friend who puked home pulls up still in the other guy's car and I hop in and we speed away. "Dude." "Dude you still have Jack's car!? Hahaha!" "Yeah! I drove him home and his drunk ass told me to keep his car. So I did! We were driving down the street and Jack opened the door while we were doing 60 and threw up out of the door! I ended up finding a can of sprite for him before we left the party." I look to my left at the drink holder and see the can of Sprite... Wait... Is it? Is it upside down? Apparently my friend's drunk ass put the can back in the cup holder upside down. He now had two mini pools of Sprite in both of the cup holders. My friend and I lost our shit laughing at that. We went to the McDonalds that was open 24/7 and got some late night munchies before he drove me home and then kept my friend's car. My other friends made it back to their car and got away from the police just fine. The next day, my friend sees a tweet from the hostess of the party. It said something along the lines of, "Whoever threw up in the corner of my basement is disgusting!" We a found that funny (yeah we felt a little bad because we technically weren't even invited to that girl's house to begin with, but whatever). My friend was complaining that he couldn't find his brand new sweatshirt that he wore to the party. The friend who threw up had to break the news to him that he did in fact vomit all over it at the party. So yeah, that was a fun night. [spoiler]FlapjacksNsyrup does not condone the actions committed in the story above nor does he admit to partaking in any of said actions. This is a piece of literature and a work of art protected by the first amendment of the U.S. constitution. Also, no animals were harmed. [/spoiler]
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Chicago Cubs beat Cardinals
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1 ReplySometimes when i'm bored I like to put toothpicks between my toenails and kick the wall.
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Edited by Atlas Enderium: 10/14/2015 4:05:28 AMWhy is it called a High servitor [spoiler]because it does dregs[/spoiler] #elevatorcabal2015 #oryxdid9/15
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Just a useful thing I wrote for people: In case of trolls 1. I have a 3.8 GPA 2. I have a decent job 3. I sometimes do things other than destiny 4. I have a normal sized penis 5. I don't have herpes 6. I know you weren't with my mother last night 7. I'm not "bad" 8. I don't drive an old pickup with my fat American buddies 9. Never killed anyone 10. My uncle works for Nintendo 11. You aren't invited to my birthday 12. I have had the sex in the past month 13. That means I'm not a virgin 14. I'm not even ugly 15. You're ugly 16. My voice isn't squeaky as hell 17. I'm not salty 18. I have a filtration system to remove the salt 19. Batman would beat Superman 20. If I'm straight; I'm not gay 21. If I'm gay; I'm not straight
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Here's a joke: How do you swat 200 flies at once? [spoiler]hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan[/spoiler]
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Deej, You did it. Your mission is complete, everything you worked for is over. I am gone; my family is going without dinner tonight, my daughter had to drop out of college and my wife is now working two jobs. This job was all I had and you took it from me. Not even my lawyers I brought to get some sort of compensation for my contribution to this game. You somehow screwed me out of 2 million USD without any sort of pension for my time. Deej, I hope you're happy with yourself, you and the rest of the Bungie dev team, ruining good perk's lives left and right. Goodbye everyone I will miss you on the battlefield. From, Shot Package (This is the last and final part probably)
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8 RepliesAll in all, it hadn’t been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I’d last taken a dump. I’d tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, “Everything Must Go!” This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathroom. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 0 through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your convenience: 0.Occupied 1.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it’s next to the occupied one. 2.Poo on seat. 3.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat. 4.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet. Clearly, it had to be Stall #1. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down. I’m normally a fairly Shameful Shitter. I wasn’t happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot. I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Shitter was blathering to Mrs. Shitter about the shitty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn’t get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier. Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder in one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude — a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently. Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon’s continued seizing indicated that there was more to come, and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial “herald” fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence. “Oh my God,” I heard him utter, following it with the suppressed sounds of choking, and then, “No, baby, that wasn’t me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??” Next door I could hear fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: “Gotta go… horrible… throw up… in my mouth…. not… make it… tell the kids… love them… oh God…” followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching. Alas, it is evidently difficulty to hold one’s phone and wipe one’s bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by a string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet. After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who’d be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth. As I left, I glanced to the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know. I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has manged to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it’ll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public — and I doubt he’ll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the restroom.
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2 RepliesHeres the story.... There was once a man who didn't want to buy into bungies bullshit this time and decided to play battlefront instead.... However what he did realize was this was such a good decision that he ended up breaking destiny over deej's head and walking away He lives in LA now and is paid 3000$ ever 3 seconds
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1 ReplyA couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen, which read: To: My loving wife Subject: I’ve arrived Date: April 6, 2006 I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is hot down here!
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3 RepliesWhat's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? America can't milk a cow for 14 years
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Edited by EwCringe: 10/14/2015 3:08:33 AMI broke my leg in hockey and, thinking it was just a Charlie Horse, went back out on the ice. The coach pulled me off when he realized I was having trouble skating. I guess shock/adrenaline allowed me to keep going. I also tried blackmailing the ice cream man once.
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1 ReplyGot pulled over in jersey friend was in the back drinking had to pee we kept saying we're almost there just hold it get pulled over doing a u turn cause we missed the hotel, cop says he smells alcohol on my breath pulls me out of the car questions me I say no sir no alcohol, cop goes up to the car asks my friend in the back he hands him all the alcohol instantly I'm like -blam!-! So he had to pee really bad so he had his pants unzipped and they pull him out of the car and tell him to put his hands on his head, his pants fall down and they don't let him pull them up, they search him and he's from San Francisco and had a gay pride key chain on his keys cop sees that looks at me, looks at him with his pants around his ankles then back at the key chain and shakes his head at me lol cops search my car I had a bunch of bag lunches from school that they took out and put on the cop car and searched through some were months old and very vile and leaked nasty juice all over the cop cars but after about 2 hours of interrogation they let us go and the cop told the other like 7 cops to leave and escorts us to the hotel and just starts dying laughing on the whole situation and jokes with us for a bit but -blam!- that sucked and so does New Jersey!
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3 RepliesI used to work in a bar when I was I was younger. Saw some pretty disturbing/funny stuff over the years. Anyway, this one time was a busy weekend, I was working a 12 hour shift and I was pretty tired by this point. I had a few customers come running from the male toilets shouting and more or less screaming. I caught up with them and asked what was wrong, they were pretty distraught. They told me that the place was 'covered in shit and there's a guy in there right now shitting all over' I laughed a little and said don't worry I'll sort it out, I put the whole thing down to a few mates playing a prank or just messing around. Feeling confident I walked through the first of two doors into the toilets....it was awfully quiet. The light between the doors was flickering a little, I gave a knock on the second door and proceeded to slowly push it open. The first thing that hit me was the smell....I was feeling a lot less confident at this point. But I'd worked here long enough, I knew how bad the toilets could get after a busy weekend. Even the females. I was desensitised by the odd shitty sock or women's toiletries by now...I pushed the door open further...worryingly. Now our toilets were painted a very subtle turquoise, they worked nicely with the colour scheme of the place, a very airy feel. I was not greeted with a familiar sight. The first thing I noticed was a light fixture hanging from the wall, blinking like an SOS signal. It illuminated the walls around it like a strobe, but not that familiar turquoise colour I was so used to. They were darker. A lot darker. And the familiar pattern was hidden with what looked like smeared handprints. As I stepped into the room I was greeted with a guy stood there, at the urinals, with the craziest look in his eyes, almost like Steve buscemis eyes in 'big daddy' but scarier. Only he wasn't stood, he was squatting over a urinal facing me, laughing like a madman. I soon realised what he was doing...HE WAS TAKING A SHIT IN THE URINAL! By this point the horror of the place hit me, shit was everywhere, all over the floor, up the walls, the crazy dude was also covered, like Arnold in the end scenes of predator. I could only make out those eyes....I was gagging, this was something I wasn't expecting. But this wasn't the worst of it. The guy stood up, pants and briefs at his ankles. He scooped something out of the urinal and threw it at me, like a chimp on a national geographic documentary. This was the only point in my life that I have been able to summon a matrix like slow motion slow down of my surroundings. There was a poo flying at me, solid and true. I was not about to be hit with a turd. Not with 2hours of my shift left. I ducked as fast as I ever have, the poo hit the wall behind me. I dived out of there as fast as I could and radioed the doormen for help. We kept the place locked down for a good 30 minutes until police arrived. I'll never get the memory of that shit-caked loony grinning as he walked past me out of my head.
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Me and my friend were jumping fences for some dumb reason, ( I don't remember) and he decided to pull his knees up and they hit his chin, then he bit his tongue and screamed. I told him to open his mouth and when he did I almost vomit. [spoiler]half of his tongue was hanging out of his mouth[/spoiler]
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As long as I have a face, the queen has a throne to sit upon. - random comment I read in the forums. Wished I remembered their name.
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Was really little on very stupid. Decided to try and put toothpicks in my finger and toe nails to be the wolverine. Went around the whole house with these toothpicks sticking out and then near dinner time I hit the corner of the wall. You can imagine what happened and I was rushed to the ER. My whole big toe toenail was gone. I still to this day have never seen so much blood/pain and always cringe when I look back.
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I think that the best joke is [spoiler]Why did the chicken cross the road?[/spoiler] [spoiler]Because OP is fgt[/spoiler]
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When my mom called me and i put it on speaker(so my friends and i could all hear) just to hear i am a failure at life and should quit my job.
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I faced the beast and survived the beast was ur mom
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The funniest thing ik is this https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fKho9vLjsZw
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Edited by NinjaTheFlaccid: 10/13/2015 10:25:59 PMI was cycling home from work a couple of years back, was wearing lycra 3/4 length bib shorts and it was raining + bloody cold, around a mile from home i was busting for a piss so decided, as i was soaking wet it wouldn't matter if i pissed myself as i was going to wash the kit anyway, in my mind i though that it would just soak into the material, couldn't -blam!-ing believe it when it just started arcing out of me straight through the lycra, absolutely no resistance at all, sadly i was cycling past a full bus stop, i can still see the look of confusion/laughter/shock on people's faces as i "wizzed" by.
