Carl: “Okay. This is Carl from QM, today we’re going to make an unannounced quality check here at the Tower to make sure everybody is doing their job. Our camera man, Barry, will record everything. We have two bodyguards to ensure our safety, but I think we’re going to be fine.” Carl: “First on our list is Lord Shaxx. Let’s see.” Carl: “Good morning Mr. Shaxx, do you have a moment?” Lord Shaxx: “Heavy ammo available”. Carl: “Eh, beg your pardon?” Lord Shaxx: “Not now, I’m in the middle of something. Five minutes remaining!” Carl: “Excuse me, what are you doing?” Lord Shaxx: “Can’t you see I’m commentating?” Carl: “Well about that, Mr. Shaxx. We have received a bunch of complaints from Guardians referring to you as, I quote, ‘Heartless’, ‘Mean’, ‘Demotivating’, ‘Distracting’, and ‘Annoying’. Do you have anything to say to that? Lord Shaxx: “Send them home crying! ... Wait, what? Who are you?” Carl: “I’m Carl from the QM-Department. I just came to make sure you’re doing alright here Mr. Shaxx.” Lord Shaxx: “QM-Dep... Oh shi- I mean, I have total confidence in my abilities. You fight to win, guardian. So fight!” Carl: “About that, Mr. Shaxx, I feel that many guardians feel uncomfortable with the way you’ve been handling things.” Lord Shaxx: “Ah, those little cry-babies have no idea what they’re talking about. They should be happy that Zavala doesn’t fight in the Crucible anymore, they wouldn’t even hear my commentary over their own sobbing. I mean, I think everything is alright here, Sir, thank you.” Carl: “Well, Mr. Shaxx, we are happy that you’re keeping this place up and running but I have received reports of Guardians falling into severe depression after spending too much time in the Crucible. Among the reasons given to us were: ‘Lord Shaxx is the worst’, ‘Shotguns hurt so much’, ‘I can’t take the space magic anymore’ and ‘They never stopped taking A on Blind Watch’. Do you have any plans to address these problems?” Lord Shaxx: “Well uhm, I uh, You see... We could, maybe, give them less bullets for their shotguns. Also, maybe we should restrict Orbs of Light to just whoever picks it up first? I think we also could make an announcement to stop Guardians from taking A on Blind Watch, if that makes others feel better.” Carl: “That sounds reasonable to me, Mr. Shaxx. What about the other thing?” Lord Shaxx: “The other thing?” Carl: “Yes. ‘Lord Shaxx is he worst.’ Don’t you think you could be, I don’t know, maybe a little nicer to our Guardians? They’re the ones who put their lives on the line every day, after all.” Lord Shaxx: “I guess, I could try.” Carl: “Good, the match is almost over, why don’t you try it now?” Lord Shaxx: “The crucible is no place for mercy. Although sometimes it wouldn’t hurt to show a little mercy. You know, you hurt other Guardians feelings by winning with such overwhelming points. You could give them a chance. Or a pat on the back. What are you doing, sitting down on their faces? That is not nice behavior and I will not have it in my Crucible any longer. This place is going to change! I guess what I am saying is... Good match everyone, we start handing out participation medals from now.” Carl: “Very nice Mr. Shaxx, keep up the good work!” Lord Shaxx: * mumbling * Barry: “Who’s next?” Carl: “Let’s see. Master Rahool. The Cryptarch. It’s only a short walk.” Barry: “Wait, what’s he doing?” Carl: “It looks like he’s trying to hide something! Biggs, Wedge! Seize him!” Biggs, Wedge: “Yes Sir!” Master Rahool: “What the- What are you doing? Let go off me! This robe is very delicate!” Wedge: “Stop doing that, Sir.” Master Rahool: “And on whose orders?” Carl: “On mine. Carl, from QM, good morning Mr. Rahool.” Master Rahool: “Ah, yes, Carl, nice to see you again. What a surprise, I had no idea you were here today.” Carl: “I see, would you care to explain what you were doing so frantically, then?” Master Rahool: “I was just... cleaning up my stand here.” Biggs: “By shredding documents and packing a bag of supplies?” Master Rahool: “Yes. I was... going camping.” Carl: “You know Mr. Rahool I will not beat around the bush here, you’re making yourself look very suspicious. I’m here to check up on your work and see if you’re performing as expected.” Master Rahool: “Please. Go on. I have nothing to hide.” Carl: “I’m glad to hear that. We have a couple of reports from Guardians that claim that you’re, I paraphrase, ‘ripping them off’. Do I have to tell you what this means? Again?” Master Rahool: “No, no you were very clear the last time. I made sure that Guardians would not receive rare gear from what looked like legendary engrams. But you know, the color, blue, purple, it’s all so similar, hahaha, you wouldn’t know the difference when the sun is low.” Carl: “It’s nine o’clock in the morning, Mr. Rahool.” Master Rahool: “I know. It’s just, I’ve been trying really hard.” Carl: “I am sure you have, Mr. Rahool, but it seems like Guardians have filed reports against you. I will read a few of them to you. ‘Every time I bring a legendary engram to Master Rahool, he gives me materials. I have so many, I don’t know what to do with this stuff!’” Master Rahool: “You know, I really have no control about what an engram will turn into.” Carl: “Yes, you’ve said that the last time, but you were able to do better after we had a little chat. Didn’t you?” Master Rahool: “I guess.” Carl: “Another one reads: ‘I bought an exotic helmet engram, but when I took it to Master Rahool he gave me a Warlock helmet. I’m a Hunter!’” Master Rahool: “It’s really difficult to distinguish a hunter from a warlock without the helmet.” Carl: “I see, the cloak and the fancy clothes were no indication to you, then?” Master Rahool: “...” Carl: “‘After he advertised that legendary engrams could turn into exotic weapons, I immediately went to the Cryptarch. I was so excited when he pulled out an exotic weapon. But it was No Land Beyond.’ Master Rahool: “He should be happy to have gotten an exotic in the first place!” Carl: “Mr. Rahool I’m tired of your excuses. You’re here to support the guardians! Not to give them things that they don’t need! We need you to take this seriously. I will end this now. Biggs, Wedge, search his place.” Biggs, Wedge: “Yes Sir!” Master Rahool: “NO, wait! You can’t! This isn’t right! ... Help?” Carl: “Everything is alright, Mr. Rahool, just keep calm. Barry, make sure you get all this.” Wedge: “We found what appears to be a hatch.” Master Rahool: “Don’t go down there, there’s nothing there, I swear. I mean yes, there is something there, very dangerous, better not go down there. You might REGRET it. No no, I wouldn’t go down there.” Carl: “Take a look.” Carl: “You know Mr. Rahool, you’re going to be in a lot of trouble if we find anything, you should have cooperated with us.” Master Rahool: “This is outrageous.” Wedge: “You won’t believe it, Sir. This place is huge. What is all this... Gjallarhorn, Ice Breaker, Thunderlord, and a bunch of legendaries, too.” Carl: “Confiscated.” Master Rahool: “These are forgeries! Someone is wasting our time!” Carl: “Mr. Rahool I’ve heard enough. You are hereby suspended from your post. Arrest him!” Master Rahool: “No, wait! I can explain! I have a family! No, please! I don’t want to go back to prison!” Carl: “Take him away, but gag him first.” Carl: “Well I guess that makes two. Only one more to go for today. The Speaker himself.” Barry: “I’m a little bit intimidated by that guy.” Carl: “Yeah, it’s the mask. You never know what he’s thinking. He might be making grimaces at you, you’d never know. Anyway, let’s go.” Carl: “Wait a second, who the hive are you?” Eris Morn: “You must tell me how he looked as he died.” Carl: “What? I mean, who? I mean, what!?” Eris Morn: “THE EYES! BRING ME THE EYES! Seriously, don’t forget the eyes. I know I already have three but you can never have enough eyes, am I right? AM I RIGHT?!” Carl: “RNGESUS what are you talking about? Barry, let’s go, this one’s freaking me out.” Carl: “The Speaker!” The Speaker: “Ah, old friend, how are you doing? How’s the wife?” Carl: “I’m sorry, I think you are mistaking me for somebody else.” The Speaker: “No! It can't be true.” Carl: “Unfortunately I think it is. I’m Carl from QM, I’m here to inform you about some reports we have gotten from Guardians regarding your, uhm, speaking!” The Speaker: “Speak! I mean, go ahead!” Carl: “It appears that Guardians have been expressing their concern about not getting anything you are telling them. I have one report here that I’d like to read out to you, if I may. ‘The Speaker said, he could tell me of the great battle centuries ago, how the Traveler was crippled. He could tell me of the power of The Darkness, its ancient enemy, but he never did! I feel let down.’ The Speaker: “Yes, that’s a really long story and I don’t have time to explain.” Carl: “I’m sorry, aren’t you the speaker?” The Speaker: “Yes, but I’m speaking on behalf of the Traveler!” Carl: “I think Guardians would be more invested if they knew what was going on. I think that we should do a better job in informing them what happened in the past, don’t you think? Shouldn’t there be a library or something? Or maybe a lecture? If you don’t have time, can’t you ask somebody else to do it for you?” The Speaker: “I guess that wouldn’t be impossible. Why haven’t I thought of that?” Carl: “Maybe it’s because you’re ‘The Speaker’ and not ‘The Thinker.’” The Speaker: “I think it’s time that you leave.” Carl: “I’ll go, but I’ll be back. We have to educate Guardians about the past, it’s important!” The Speaker: “Yes, yes.” Carl: “Okay, guys, let’s go back to the hangar and get out of here for now.” Barry: “I’m a little concerned.” Carl: “Me too.” Barry: “I mean, it seems like nobody in this place is actually trying to support the Guardians.” Carl: “We are so doomed. Wait, who is that?” Xûr: “I gotta go.”