As if one article wasn't enough to overwhelm your miniscule and already over-stressed intellects, we present to you a double dose of news so viscous with truth you could hand-roll it into a solid cable and use it to hang yourself. [url=http://www.theonion.com/articles/god-freaks-self-out-by-lying-awake-contemplating-o,31097/][b]God Freaks Self Out By Lying Awake Contemplating Own Immortality[/b][/url][quote]Sources close to God reported Thursday that the Creator of the Universe and Author of Our Eternal Salvation suffered a crippling bout of existential dread this week, lying awake all night as He pondered His own immortality. Anxiously drumming His fingers, the all-powerful being was reportedly unable to sleep as His mind raced with thoughts of the unfathomable nature of eternity, the relentless expansion of space and time, and His own never-ending existence. “Is this all there is? I’m here now, 70 or 80 years go by, and then I’m still here—forever?” said God, staring up at the ceiling after a half hour of tossing and turning. “That’s horrible! And what’s worse, at some point everyone I know will have died, which means no one anywhere in the universe will even remember I ever existed.” “-blam!-, that’s a terrifying thought,” God added.[/quote] [url=http://www.theonion.com/articles/torrent-of-soap-issues-from-wildly-unexpected-part,31173/][b]Torrent Of Soap Issues From Wildly Unexpected Part Of Dispenser[/b][/url][quote]A wall-mounted soap dispenser in the men’s bathroom of Rigali’s Pizza Village reportedly startled local resident Sam Milsom on Monday night, discharging a copious jet of soap from an entirely unexpected location. Milsom confirmed that when he attempted to operate the dispenser, a torrent of foamy white hand cleanser discharged from a site drastically higher on the device than any normal person could have reasonably foreseen, defying his expectations and causing him to recoil in surprise. “Jesus!” said the 29-year-old, in reaction to the hygienic gel’s expulsion, the velocity, volume, and origin of which were all far different than he had anticipated. “What the -blam!-?.”[/quote]