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Destiny

Discuss all things Destiny.
Edited by An Engram Full Of Bees: 8/25/2016 5:24:50 AM
255

Read this if you're bored.

So this is in response to a question posted a little while ago: https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/211416232/0/0 [quote]What do you think your guardians do when you're offline?[/quote] Who knows? Maybe they hang out at the Tower. Maybe they have a dance party. Maybe they even go out and do a raid, and then delete all the gear they get so we never find out about it. That 335 Ghost you've been looking for? Joke's on you. Your Hunter found one while doing Challenge of the Elders a week ago. Maybe he deleted it out of spite for all the times you made him repeatedly crouch on a fellow dead guardian's body? Maybe [i]all three[/i] of your characters are plotting to ruin your preparations of Rise of Iron. Look at your vault. Now back at me. Now back at your vault. Now back at me. How many Strange Coins did you see? How many Strange Coins did you think you had beforehand? If I'm not mistaken, you had three more Strange Coins the last time you logged on. And now? They're gone. So the real question is, who do you blame it on? Your Warlock? Your Titan? Or do you go for the easy target and peg it on your Hunter? That sly bastard has always been eyeing those little puppies. You always take your Warlock into Trials of Osiris, which means [i]she[/i] gets to keep the Passage Coins. Is it so wrong that the Hunter merely wants a few coins of his own? Go to your Hunter's inventory. I dare you. [b]WHAT'S THAT?![/b] Just as I thought. The Strange Coins aren't there. And you're now left with a horrible 3D model of your Hunter looking at you through your little smartphone screen, judging you for your actions. You racist. You make me sick. You make him sick. He's now ashamed to be your guardian. You're now left with three missing Strange Coins and a character who hates your guts. Who knows? Maybe he'll break the chains of reality and stab you in your sleep one day. But that's no concern for now; we still need to find your Strange Coins. There's no turning back. There's only one character left: Your Titan. That's right. That fat f*ck. He'll eat anything he can get. He's probably the one who's been eating your Wormspore reserves every week. For all you know, he's already eaten the Strange Coins. So you go into his inventory. You scroll through the stacks upon stacks of Blackwax and Ether Seeds he carries for the road. But there's something strange; or [i]not[/i] strange. Why? [b]BECAUSE THE STRANGE COINS AREN'T THERE![/b] Congratulations, Desticle, you have now blamed your Titan for no reason other than his obesity. You should be ashamed of yourself. Think about Piggy. From Lord of the Flies. Poor little shit got his brains bashed in after falling off a cliff. He didn't deserve it. He just wanted to find his glasses. That Titan? He wanted your love and respect. And you knocked him down to the ground; turned his Ward of Dawn into a Ward of Dusk. What's more is that you betrayed his trust.... ....Betrayal.... ....Trust.... [b]DEAR GOD IT ALL MAKES SENSE![/b] You go back to your character screen. You click on your Warlock.... Error 404? [b]F*CK![/b] You throw your smartphone across the room. It hits your mother in the face. She drops the pan of fresh cookies made just for you all over the floor. You'll get the belt for that, but it's going to have to wait. You sprint through the house and grab your laptop in your bedroom. You open it and immediately go to Google Chrome to find the Destiny site. Luckily for you, you're a professional. You've got that shit favorited, like the little fanboy (fangirl) you know you are. You open your Warlock's inventory, and you're speechless. There they are. Three strange coins. You think about yourself as a human being. How could you do this? You alienated two of your characters only to find out that it was the third one all along. You gaze at your Warlock, and she gazes back at you. You're about to smash your computer when all of a sudden [b]AGH![/b] Wha-What is this?! What's this feeling?! You look down and see a knife protruding from your stomach. This is no ordinary knife; it's a Hunter knife. You turn around and there he is, standing in the doorway. Your Hunter. Back for revenge. He must've escaped from your smartphone when you threw it at your mother.... It hurts. Blood spews from the wound. But you lie down on your bed. You knew this was coming. You knew you deserved this. The Hunter smiles. The Warlock smiles. Downstairs on your phone, the Titan smiles. Then it hits you. It all makes sense. It wasn't just the Warlock. It was never just the Hunter. The Titan? He's too stupid, he couldn't have done any of it on his own. You hit yourself in the head because you now realize the truth; it was all apart of the plan. You failed your characters, and they took advantage of it. Congratulations, you pissed off a fictional space cowboy with a flaming hand cannon and let him into the real world. Now he's standing in your bedroom. You look up at him and ask for a cigarette. Why? Because it's emotional, that's why. Like two enemies bonding before one of their deaths. The Hunter shrugs. You idiot. It's a T rated game. Why the f*ck would he have a cigarette? You hit yourself in the face again. So stupid. You can't believe you fell for their plot. The Hunter raises his Golden Gun and fires; the solar bullet flies through the air, piercing your chest. It burns, but not as much as knowing that you were betrayed. Your eyelids fall down heavy, and as you feel the life leave your body you say one last thing to the Hunter. "O.... P...." You close your eyes completely, and slump over onto the ground. It's over. You're dead. But that's when it happens: you wake up in front of your TV. You're waiting in orbit; you were kicked for inactivity. It was just a dream. Thank GOD! But you think about the dream, and all that happened. Out of curiosity, you open your Hunter's inventory. And what do you find? .........Why are you asking me? Go turn on your console and find out. [b][i]-------------------------[/i][/b] [b]Edit:[/b] Read this if you're [i]REALLY[/i] bored. https://www.bungie.net/en/Forum/Post/211680640/0/0

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  • 10/8 would masturbate again

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  • Lol gg

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  • Bump

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  • My Boredom is gone.

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  • Meth and tweaking on shit, trying to find a hidden recorder, because of the vanguard has my ghost tapped.

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  • Bump!

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  • when I m offline the titan goes to the warlock and they have *** is this ok?

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  • Dear god I need a life 😑

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    2 Replies
    • O... P... Lmfao

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    • You did a great job with that!! I loved it! Thanks for starting my day off like that!

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      • This. Was. F*CKING. HILARIOUS!!!

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      • Salami, that was pretty good. Gave me a good laugh.

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        • This is gold. I remember the good old days when great things like these were rampant. Examples: [spoiler][quote]Tired of hearing that Titans got the shaft with exotic armor? Then look no further than Peregrine Greaves! "Wait a second, aren't those the ones that increase flying shoulder charge damage? That sounds kind of bad. " You're right, it does sound pretty useless. How much damage could it possibly increase? Well the answer is: A LOT. See that Sunsinger with Ram? Radiant Skin, wow, what a tanky mother-blam!-er. It's too bad he dies when you knee him in the face. Voidwalker about to lob a collapsing star at you? No problem. Kneenja him before he does that. Little striker pissing his pants and about to level the place with a Fist of Panic? Professional counsellors advocate the use of Peregrine Greaves during panic attacks. Armor of Light Defender, nigh invulnerable to everything but collapsing stars, beams of Solar Light, giant shockwaves of arc energ- FAAALLCCON KNEE Cloud wannabes omnislashing around the place with an electric toothpick? Say hello to my MOTHER-blam!-ING O-KNEE-CHAN. It gives your flying knee attack 300% increased damage. That's 600 damage in crucible! In comparison, the hp of anything in pvp is... Significantly less than that. Not only is it a melee attack, it's also an arc attack. Arc burn and brawler modifier on? Enjoy oneshotting that Hallowed Ogre. It'll deal more damage than Celestial Nighthawk. With solar burn. Oh yea, did I mention that it also turns your knees into [url=http://i.imgur.com/pks4Rq6.jpg]lightsabers[/url] when shoulder charge is active? And most importantly, it changes colour with your shaders. Checkmate Warlock and Hunter peasants.[/quote] [/spoiler] [spoiler][quote]Is good time conquer Oryk today. Fireteam of Titan, Titan, Warlock, Warlock, Hunter, Hunter. Round of last. I jump to tower, full auto on the gun. Ogre is kill but where knight is? Then death! Architect is give me secret kill. Is wipe, team say? Is wipe? But wait! Activate radiant and is rise from ash like phoenik bird. Knight is run. KNIGHT IS RUN! Unable to stop like kamikaze. One, two, three bang goes the gun. Five million shoot him in the hip then run to middle man. Is shoot Oryk in chest and run to blacks. Boom! All go white is like Chernobyl. King of Taken destroy. What loot is? [spoiler]320 Helmet and rifle of scout![/spoiler] Is edit: Thank. Is Gorothog fight more excite too. Also loot of 2 times boot. One white. Other black. Also Mouldering Shard.[/quote][/spoiler] [spoiler][quote]What if everything you ever wanted... WAS TO KICK EVERYTHING IN THE FACE!? FOREVER! THEN YOU NEED PEREGRINE GREAVES!!! PUT THESE SWEET LEGS ON YOUR TITAN AND YOU WILL DECIMATE THINGS WITH YOUR POWERFUL KNEES. THEY ARE GEMS. YOU WILL LOOK GLAMOROUS LIKE A STYLISH LADY WHILE YOU KNEE SOMEONE IN THE THROAT SO HARD THEIR TEETH GO THROUGH THEIR SKULL! YOUR LEGS ARE BEDAZZLED! BEDAZZLED WITH THE STRENGTH OF 1,000 KODIAK BEARS IF KODIAK BEARS CARED ABOUT GRAVITY AND EVOLVED TO DO SWEET JUMPKICKS! YOU WILL SET YOUR CHILD ON YOUR KNEE TO GIVE HIM SOUND FATHERLY ADVICE ANDTHAT CHILD WILL EXPLODE BECAUSE YOUR KNEES ARE INSTANT DEATH! YOUR SON WILL DIE! YOUR WIFE WILL DIVORCE YOU! YOU WILL DIE ALONE ATOP THE MOUNTAIN OF CORPSES YOU'VE LEFT IN YOUR WAKE AS YOUR LIFE DISSOLVES INTO A NIGHTMARISH HELLSCAPE OF VIOLENCE AND DEPRAVITY! YOU WILL TAKE PEREGRINE GREAVES INTO THE CRUCIBLE AND YOU WILL MASSACRE PEOPLE! YOU WILL KILL THEM ALL! YOU WILL KNEE BLADEDANCERS! DENIED! GET THAT BUTTERKNIFE THE HECK OUT OF HERE! YOU WILL KNEE RADIANT WARLOCKS AND CAUSE THEM TO WEEP RADIANT TEARS! YOU WILL KNEE GOLDEN GUNSLINGERS...CAREFULLY.... YOU WILL KNEE OTHER TITANS IN THEIR BUBBLES, DIVING INTO THEIR NEON DISCO DANCE PARTIES BLIND AND MURDER THEM WITH YOUR ENERGY LEGS! IT IS YOUR BUBBLE NOW SO THAT GU---wait, shit...THE BUBBLE IS GONE BECAUSE OF YOU!? WHY THE HECK DID YOU DO THAT!? YOU WILL KNEE STORMCALLERS SO HARD THAT THEIR OWN LIGHTNING WILL ARC AROUND YOU IN A SPECTACULAR HALO! A HALO! YOU WILL KNEE SUNBREAKERS... ALSO CAREFULLY... BEFORE THEY THROW A HAMMER, PROBABLY... YOU WILL KNEE NIGHTSTALKERS IN THE FACE BEFORE THEY EVEN REALIZE YOUR THUNDEROUS ENTRANCE HAS HAPPENED! YOU WILL RUIN YOUR K/D LIKE I HAVE BECAUSE YOU ARE ADDICTED TO THE SWEET, SWEET SOUND OF INSTANT AIRBORNE DEATH! YOU WILL CATCH SO MANY SHOTGUN BLASTS TO THE FACE AND IT WILL BE WORTH IT WHEN YOU KNOCK A BLADEDANCER OUT BEFORE HE CAN CHOP UP YOUR TEAM! EVERY PAINFUL DEATH WILL BE VALIDATED AS YOUR LEG COLLIDES WITH A FIERY WARLOCK'S GOAT HAT SO HARD THAT HE'S RENDERED BRAIN-DAMAGED AND HIS FAMILY FIGHTS WITH THE STATE OF TEXAS TO TAKE HIM OFF OF LIFE-SUPPORT! HE WILL LIVE OFF OF TUBES! BECAUSE OF TEXAAAAAAS! PEREGRINE GREEAAAAAAAAAAVES!!! [spoiler]SIGN PEREGRINE GREAAAAAAAAAAVES!!! IF YOU'RE AS EXCITED AS I AM ABOUT THE RETURN OF THE BEDAZZLED FACE-KICKERS![/spoiler][/quote][/spoiler] I have a lot more. This was added to the list :)

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          6 Replies
          • This was good salami very interesting

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          • KEKSIS, THE BETRAYED!!!!!!!!

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            • My titan would probably be sleeping in orbit. My warlock studying. My hunter trolling with nerf gun lolololoollololool. But what if they are down in the last city? like just chilling or something?

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            • That.... Was .....AMAZING Shaxx approves

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              • When im offline my titan has a room of string and pegs with paper clippings trying to figure out why the -blam!- fabian strategy is so shit....

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                • Thanks for telling we too look at my hunters inventory, she stole my poor little Titans box of raisins...you can tell it's his because he can't open it and instead knaws on the box

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                  • You sir need to write an episode of Mr Robot. Unless you already do....... or do you?

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                    • I'm tired and this post just messed me up haha

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                    • I opened my hunter's inventory and saw a single strange coin. WHY?! MY MOST ACTIVE CHARACTER!

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                    • That's why I keep them in the vault at all times

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                    • Bunch of people wanted more, so check out #Destinads if you want to see anything else like this. I may write another in the near future.... Or I may not. Who knows? [i]You[/i] decide.

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                      • I was bored, but now that was funny. Gg

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                      • Pls write another that was gold

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